Evil and Stupid

2003-04-05T01:56:00.000-06:00

It's about 3am. Three giggly fangirls in a group chat. One of which is reading a Weiss Kreuz fic and babbling about it. It was a good fic until.... Guest featuring Sparkle Ball and Banana Hammock until she gets a real name. ^_~

Spacecrackers: *reading mediocre Crawford/Schuldich fic* I... actually kind of liked this part. Until a certain line.
Banana Hammock: Does it have "Braddllly" In it?
Spacecrackers: The plot of the fic is that there's this other group of Talent out there and they've lost their "Seer" and they need a new one or they'll be terminated. They set their sites on Crawford because he's a high level clairvoyant and they need him, so they're trying to get him at one of Takatori's parties. One of the Talents in their group has the ability to alter molecules so that she can make the champagne at the party into some sort of drug. Crawford's about to take the changed drink but then dumps it all over a guest at the party. They wonder, "ACK! None of our Seers could do anything at the same time they're having a vision and we haven't seen him freeze up at any point tonight!" So they decide on another test. *babbling* They'll aim the drink/drug thing at Schuldich this time, since that could have just been a coincidence and if it happens again, they'll know for sure that he can walk and See at the same time.
Banana Hammock: o_o
Sparkle Ball: o.O
Banana Hammock: Wouldn't Crawford know slightly before hand that people are trying to get him?
Spacecrackers: You'd think.
Spacecrackers: Schudlich takes the drink/drug thing and blacks out.

Almost gently, Crawford lifted the unconscious telepath from the floor. He had considered sending Nagi or Farfarello back to fetch Schuldich but in the end decided against it.

"I'm sorry, Schuldich, I truly am. But it was the only way to prevent an even bigger disaster in the future. I can only hope you will understand and forgive me one day. Please believe me when I say I had my reasons for allowing this to happen."
Banana Hammock: ... I don't think Crawford was ever this soft
Spacecrackers: Crawford? Apologizing and practically begging Schuldich to understand? Crawford?
Banana Hammock: *thinks about WK Outtakes* ... XD "Don't sass me! There's no crying in baseball!!"
Sparkle Ball: o.@ Crawford... so ooc....
Banana Hammock: Is Schuldig really a slut? Every story has him as one.
Spacecrackers: Engh. I don't like fanon Schuldich much. ._.
Banana Hammock: He's uber slutty XDDD
Spacecrackers: This fic has... a lot of potential. The idea of another group aiming for Crawford's talents (since they tend to lock up their Seers in a room somewhere rather than letting them out to be team leaders like Estet does) is interesting. And you can tell a lot of thought was put into creating things. The other team seems like the author really did a lot of thought to create individual personalities for the characters.
Banana Hammock: What's the story called?
Spacecrackers: The problem is that the author doesn't seem to have nailed down Crawford's powers and stuck to her version of them. He can see way ahead into the future to predict the problems that smacking the drink out of Schuldich's hands would create, but he can't see this group in the first place? Can't see, "Oh, hey, there they are. *BANG*shoots them dead*"?
Spacecrackers: It's "Snatched Away" by Misura.
Banana Hammock: lol bang :D
Spacecrackers: The characterizations are off. You can tell the author has a pretty strong grip on who they are, but seems to fall prey to a lot of fanon. If I had to guess, I would probably say they'd either not seen the series very much, seen only parts of it, a few episodes here and there, or they'd watched it once and never saw it again.
Sparkle Ball: Fanon, all, such strange and colorful creatures
Spacecrackers: The other team is well thought-out, but I can't keep any of them straight--it's too many names flying at me at once, not enough little character traits to help me get to know them. The problem is also that I don't care. There's just no... spark there. But that's not really the author's fault, I felt the same way about Schwarz at first.

...later....

Spacecrackers: *babbles more*
Sparkle Ball: Please, babble!
Spacecrackers: From fic, Schuldich is just waking up:

: Nagi? Farfarello? Are you there? :

: Schuldich! YouareawakeatlastthankgodIwassoworriedand- :

: Where else could I be? :

: Can you tell me what happened? And calm down a bit Nagi. :

: You went down -food-poisoning Crawford said- and we got you home. :

: Hesaiditwasthefoodbut- :

: Nagi! I'd almost think you were worried about me. :

: .....?!?!....! I was not. :

: If I'm home, why am I not in my own room? :

: Crawford insisted we put you in his, because it was cleaner. You're in his bed too. He said he would sleep on the couch for the time being. He was very protective of you. :

Schuldich could hear a smirk in Farfarello's mindvoice.

: It's his fault you got in this state, so that was the least he could do. :
Sparkle Ball: ........ he what?

Nagi sounded sullen.

: Speaking of Crawford, where is he? :

: How should I know? I can't even leave my own room. :

: I don't know. He's somewhere in the house, that's all I know. :

: Never mind. Thanks for filling me in. :

: Any time. :

: ..... :

....something about this conversation... bugs me....
Banana Hammock: .... Yeah.
Sparkle Ball: Brad: "Food poisoning? He'll sleep it off. Put him on the floor if you must."
Banana Hammock: Exactly.
Spacecrackers: *giggles*
Banana Hammock: Crawford being protective... ehh.
Spacecrackers: I love Crawford. I think he actually is being protective of Schwarz in his own way. But....
Banana Hammock: And... I don't know but... Nagi being worried kind of doesn't rub well with me.
Sparkle Ball: But he doesn't express it so openly
Banana Hammock: I can see Crawford ordering Schuldig not to leave his room and leave it at that
Spacecrackers: Putting Schuldich in his room? It's not like Schuldich has mold growing on his walls or the half-empty pizza box is gaining sentience. It can't be that bad. So why not put him in his own damn room?
Banana Hammock: *laughs*
Sparkle Ball: If it were radioactive I might see a reason not to put him there.
Spacecrackers: *laughs* And if it were, don't you think Crawford would have seen that coming and ordered Schuldich to clean up his goddamned room? XD
Sparkle Ball: Hmm, I'm thinking, the author is writing their actions too transparent.
Banana Hammock: Nagi: Crawford though you'd rather have his king sized bed, complete with fluffy pillows instead of your slightly messy bed room. And no... he's not trying to sleep with you.
Sparkle Ball: XD Ha!
Spacecrackers: *laughs!*
Banana Hammock: XD
Spacecrackers: That's the problem with fic writers... so many of them seem to be unable to write Crawford and Schuldich together unless Crawford's being a sap.
Sparkle Ball: Or too obvious in their motivations?
Banana Hammock: .... *giggles* Crawford being sappy.
Banana Hammock: I do so love WK humor fics... some of them are so OOC it's hilarious :D
Sparkle Ball: XD
Spacecrackers: ..........*laughing at the mental image*

....later....

Spacecrackers: *sigh* I knew it.
Spacecrackers: I knew this fic was going to make Schuldich a wounded little bird with a tough cookie shell!
Banana Hammock: XDD!
Banana Hammock: Crawywaffy will make it alll better
Spacecrackers: Schuldich goes back to sleep, then he wakes up and Crawford's sleeping in the chair next to the bed. Schuldich looks at him for awhile then gets up to leave.
Spacecrackers: : I wished it didn't have to be like this. I wished it would just be you rescueing me, taking care of me and me knowing you felt for me. But it isn't that simple and there would be no good in pretending. :
Spacecrackers: This fic is fast spiralling into one I can't put on fic journal because I'm no longer sure I can actually say I like it. ;_;
Banana Hammock: Ow... Schuldig's character is out the window....
Sparkle Ball: *snorts, chuckles* Just... aww.. too bad
Banana Hammock: Does Crawford wake up and looks to find Schuldig looking at him and they stare into each other's eyes for awhile?
Sparkle Ball: Schuldich: *to fic Schu* That was undignified please kill it now.
Spacecrackers: No, thank god, it's not that bad. He actually does leave.
Banana Hammock: Crawford: ... I'm sleeping in a chair... while you're sleeping on my bed.
Sparkle Ball: Oooh. Leaves and angsts?
Banana Hammock: Angst!!
Banana Hammock: Does Nagi come and give Schuldig a guy heart to heart talk? Or does Schuldig goes to get drunk and he meets up with Youji and they screw like bunnies?
Spacecrackers: Schuldich angsting because Crawford doesn't love him. Awww. Yes. Shoot it. Shoot it now.
Sparkle Ball: The state of their relationship, once so professional, now so confusing?
Spacecrackers: The next part hasn't been posted yet, but I'm guessing suicide.
Banana Hammock: Schuldig: *singsong* I can't fighhttt this feeling anymoree!!
Sparkle Ball: o.O
Spacecrackers: Schuldich's going to slit his wrists because Bradley doesn't love him.
Banana Hammock: *chokes*
Spacecrackers: But! Don't worry! Crawford will find him in time and then he'll CRY!
Sparkle Ball: Brad: .....
Banana Hammock: *giggling*
Spacecrackers: "Schuldich! ;_; Don't leave me! I love you!"
Banana Hammock: Schuldig: Oh,Bradly! I've always knew you cared.
Banana Hammock: Nagi: *throws rose petals on them*
Banana Hammock: They can do it like Moulin Rouge!
Spacecrackers: "*Schuldich crying now, too* But... how can you love someone like me? I'm annoying and useless and not worthy of you... you're so strong and handsome.... ;_;"
Sparkle Ball: *laughs*
Banana Hammock: You're cracking me up.
Spacecrackers: ";_; I don't care! You're beautiful and smart and I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on you in Rosenkreuz that I would love you for the rest of my life! You have to live!"
Banana Hammock: *dies*
Sparkle Ball: *bowls over*
Banana Hammock: Is this where the fangirls start crying?
Spacecrackers: ";_; I love you, too! *KISS*"
Banana Hammock: "Oh my god! They're so in love!"
Spacecrackers: *ahem* That's my prediction anyway. ^_~
Sparkle Ball: Aya: *sighs, steps in* Just die.
Banana Hammock: Nooo.. they go off and have mad bunny sex.
Spacecrackers: Then.... "*Farfie wonders in* Gay sex hurts God. *nods* Carry on. *leaves*"
Sparkle Ball: *laughs!*
Banana Hammock: Nagi mourns because he'll never get laid.
Sparkle Ball: XD XD XD
Sparkle Ball: Farfie! *still laughing*
Spacecrackers: No, no, Nagi brings over his cute little boyfriend, Bombay and they have sex in Schwarz's house, Omi conviently forgetting to catalogue any useful information for Kritiker while he screams for Nagi to fuck him harder.
Sparkle Ball: o.o
Banana Hammock: "Oh Nagilove!" "Oh ANGEL!"
Sparkle Ball: Oh my God.
Banana Hammock: ... I really dislike Omi being called Angel ^^;

2002-12-23T18:13:00.000-06:00

Bitchcakes: Ugh. http://www.geocities.com/ChristianFanfiction/
Spacecrackers: ......um.
Bitchcakes: Yeah.
Bitchcakes: Hey, let's start a fanfiction directory promoting agnosticism.
Spacecrackers: What kind of graphics would we use for that?
Spacecrackers: A little cross and devil side by side, each with big red question marks over them?
Bitchcakes: Yeah, I like it.
Spacecrackers: I love the Challenges page of that site so far.
Bitchcakes: *snickering at the beliefs of others*
Spacecrackers: Write about the emotions and thoughts of a character from your favorite medium as they make their way through the Sinner's Prayer. What sins come to mind when they are asking for forgiveness? How does it make them feel to know that they are washed as white as snow?

Well, what if they come out looking like the yellow snow? Does that mean they have to do it again?
Bitchcakes: Guess they weren't doing it right.
Spacecrackers:
Title: Journal ++ Author: MrLee2U
Domain: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ++ Rating: G
Christian Concept: Salvation, Prayer, Forgiveness ++ Summary: An Elite Guard becomes a Christian. (Complete)
Spacecrackers: I'm just skipping to the end, and it looks... well, pretty much like I expected.

The Turtles and I walked out of the base unmolested. Everyone was quiet for a while, until Mikey spoke, "What happened?"

"The simple explanation is there is a God and He loves everyone."

"Could you talk about it to us at the lair?"

"Sure, Donatello. No problem." I smiled. I felt that my and the turtles lives were entwined now and we would have many adventures together.

Bitchcakes: Eww.
Bitchcakes: Mary Sue evangelism.
Bitchcakes: I was just scanning an X-Files fic, trying to see if they'd convert Scully, but it was too long so I gave up.
Spacecrackers: I almost went into the Touched by an Angel section, but even I couldn't laugh at the redundancy of that, I don't think.

2002-12-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

One random dark and stormy night....

Bitchcakes: Saw this link on SlashGrievances. *shudder* Beware. http://www.snitchfiction.net/cgi-bin/stories/story.cgi?id=1155
Bitchcakes: No, stop, don't!
Bitchcakes: I take it back, I don't want you to suffer it!
Spacecrackers: .......*shifts weight from foot to foot*
Spacecrackers: Crap. Crap, crap, crappity crap.
Spacecrackers: *click*
Bitchcakes: Nooooo!!!!
Spacecrackers: Minerva gaped in shock, her hands automatically covering her assets, such as they were, Awww, there was no call for that!
Spacecrackers: Insulting her chest or having her naked, take your pick.
Spacecrackers: Okay, fic, you just crossed the line.
Spacecrackers: I did NOT need that mental image.
Bitchcakes: Just stop there. It gets worse.
Spacecrackers: Albus almost had a heart attack when Minerva lapped the pre-cum from his piss slit. ........how romantic.
Bitchcakes: *snerkle*chortle*
Spacecrackers: Jesus, where's a "life giving snake" when you really need it?
Spacecrackers: Flesh lolly!!!!! *dies laughing*
Spacecrackers: I WANT THAT!
Spacecrackers: I want Flesh Lolly (or Flesh Lollipop) for a Screen Name!!!
Bitchcakes: Go forth and claim it!
Spacecrackers: Minerva's twat was incredibly hot, and the moist heat was like freshly made bread pudding as it enveloped his cock. I'm not even going to ask how he knows that.

2002-11-26T09:38:00.000-06:00

(Note: The reference is to Bitchcakes having once said that she's tired of reading about naughty bits in fics, because there are so many of them out there. She'd done her time in the mines. I have an odd memory for things like that.)

Bitchcakes: Hey, woohoo, I topped a thousand words. A few more days work and I'll actually be able to post this puppy.
Spacecrackers: Congratulations! Over a thousand words is no small feat.
Bitchcakes: I did the angsty stuff leading up to the sexy stuff, so I need to finish the sexy stuff, do the romantic stuff that comes after the sexy stuff, then go back and tack onto the beginning the fluffy stuff that leads up to the angsty stuff.
Spacecrackers: And the sexy stuff is being a pain in the ass?
Bitchcakes: Yes, but not as much as I'd expected.
Bitchcakes: I've just decided to make peace with my own PG-13-ness.
Spacecrackers: Probably for the best. I do remember you saying you'd done your time in the genital mines.
Spacecrackers: .......well. There's an interesting mental snapshot.
Bitchcakes: Indeed.
Spacecrackers: I love our conversations. I don't know who else I could have a conversation with and the phrase 'genital mines' would occur naturally in the conversation.
Bitchcakes: Hee.
Bitchcakes: Now instead of mines like coal mines I'm thinking mines like land mines. There's an image.
Spacecrackers: *snort* Oh. That's... even 'better'.
Spacecrackers: Wow, and it's not going away, either.
Spacecrackers: Just replays and replays.
Spacecrackers: Okay, there we go.
Bitchcakes: Guess I won't do my "thousands of people in war torn nether-regions are killed or injured by genital mines each year" schtick then.

Oh, sorry, just did.
Bitchcakes: Send in the UN minesweepers!
Bitchcakes: Their blue helmets moving through the densely packed...

Okay, done now.
Spacecrackers: I'm attempting very hard not to picture a new Windows game: Genital Minesweeper.
Bitchcakes: *laugh*snort*
Spacecrackers: Damn. Now I want to play that game.
Spacecrackers: Oh, Christ, this is going to kill hours of time. -_-
Bitchcakes: Heh.
Spacecrackers: And I just bombed out. Which I'm sure we all know what it would look like it Genital Minesweeper. Thanks for that image, btw.
Bitchcakes: That's what I'm here for.

Quick addendum:

Spacecrackers: You know, every time I think of that conversation, I wonder what would happen if people got stuck in them like those Pennslyvania coal miners.
Spacecrackers: Would they go on TV afterwards and talk about their ordeal?
Spacecrackers: Would ABC air a movie about it?
Uppity Dick: "Terror in the Nether-lands: the Pennsylvania Genital Miners' True Story."

2002-11-13T14:19:00.000-06:00

The author's note of Between the Panels by "Rogue"

What if the X-Men were real people, chosen by the U.N., and spliced genetically? What if when the X-Men died in the comics, the real person perished, and was replaced by a new person, given the same powers and memories? Is it possible that this would explain why they never seem to age, but change physically and emotionally every so often? Do they retire a person after so long? Where does the UN find their replacements? This story is based on that ideal, as we see it through the eyes of the woman that will be Rogue as her story is our fantasy.

Dear story,

Your tedious hypothetical questions weary us so. They never age because they are characters and frequently iconic ones at that, which means they have to be eternally accessible to new fans. They look different because different people are drawning them. So, dear story, shut up.

Sincerely,
Bitchcakes and Spacecrackers

2002-11-06T10:15:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, I love Fanfiction.net. Where else could I run into people like the following? So I'm browsing the FAKE section, looking to see if there are any new stories worth reading and I've seen Wildfyre's stories before (and am familiar with her work in the Yoroiden Samurai Troopers/Ronin Warriors fandom) and... well, I'll be polite and end that sentance there. ^_~ Anyway, so I decided to check the reviews of her latest story, to see who was reviewing, if it was as mind-numbingly mediocre as her other stories (it indeed appears to be so), and I saw a note from the author as the first review:

Story: Randy's Addiction Chapter 2 added by Wildefyre
~TEASER~ Dee finds himself trapped shot and unable to find Ryo. Getting out and getting help may prove harder then he had originally thought. ~TEASER~
R - English - General/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5595 - Reviews: 11 - Updated: 11-4-02 - Published: 11-3-02

Review: This is to "SOMEONE" who left that wonderfully depressing review in "Two Men a Boy and a What?" I'm putting this here just in case you decide to pick on this fic as well...

I really don't need to post anything and if my stories are THAT horrible then maybe I should just pull them and be done with it.

If you know the characters that well then please enlighten us all as to their true personalities since you acted like such an authority.

Another thing... If you're going to criticize and/or flame please leave a valid email addy so I can defend myself properly!

Maybe I should scrap this fic since it probably isn't right either... I give up!

Naturally, I had to go check the reviews for "Two Men a Boy and a What?" And, again, I quote:

someone. 2002-11-03 1 Anonymous
I don't think you really understand the characters of Fake. They all sounded like the same person to me. They always apologized and "I understand that you -- but that does not mean --" like a shrink or condescending mother. However, you did let each character take a shine to a perpection, but, how like they all sounded the same, they were equally obnoxious - even the kid, amazingly. The plot was choppy, a lot of 'why the hell didn't they do THIS instead'. I really coulnd't sympathize with any character. I actually was relieved you killed off persons because it's one less person to act self-indulgently.

Anyway, the drama was fine. And I am glad of the ending, how she (kid, Meg?) wasn't really Dee's daughter. It's conclusive and saddening. What ignorance isn't exactly bliss (but it can be at the end)?. Bikky's character (sorta) development was alright, in theory.

I don't really mean to insult. Actually, if it were myself, I'd prefere a beration than 35 reviews of "good job" and that's it. How can you improve with that? Well, I suppose theirs are as honest as mine.

Okay, yes, it would be hard to take a review like that, god knows I wouldn't want it leveled at me, but... they were offering an honest opinion and it drives me crazy that people seem to think they're being "picked on" because someone doesn't automatically gush over their work. I want to smack Wildfyre for this attitude--and, you know, that's why people don't leave their e-mail addresses, because, hell, I've talked to her about her YST/RW characterization. I have no desire to ever do that again. Blah, blah, willfully-blind-and-stupid-author-cakes.

So... evil? Stupid? Both?

(*sigh* I weep for the state of the FAKE fandom. -_- I've seen maybe four stories that were actually good.)

(Yes, I do feel a little better now. ;) )

2002-10-30T20:09:00.000-06:00

(Several quotes from True Porn Clerk Stories.)

Spacecrackers: I think guys rent porn as a way to have the pleasure of sex without the added complexity of having to tend to someone else's needs. Which doesn't mean that he's a bad guy or won't do plenty of tending later, it's just that right now he just wants to wolf down a burger. You know, that's a really excellent way to put it. For awhile now, I just haven't been bothered by the fact that the vast majority of guys watch porn, because... guys are horndogs and it doesn't really mean anything to them. I know that, and I'm okay with that.
Spacecrackers: It's the same reason women read romance novels or watch soap operas (and not make fun of them), because they want that emotional connection, something that tugs at their heart strings, without all the complications that come along with it.
Spacecrackers: Though, I do admit that I don't want it pushed into my face. I don't need to know about that, thanks, just like he doesn't need to hear about my crazy fannish things. (And, okay, yes, they are a little different, but the concept is close enough.)
Bitchcakes: I was talking to my friend Amanda on the phone tonight, and we actually brought up, "yeah, you've got to know me pretty well before I'm going to tell you I own gay porn."
Spacecrackers: I feel so very uncool. I've never actually seen any gay porn.
Bitchcakes: I've never seen the tape, just the box in her house.
Bitchcakes: We weren't quite drunk enough to actually play it.
Bitchcakes: It's called "Free Range Gays" or something. It was on sale, and she just thought she ought to have some gay porn.
Bitchcakes: I think it's just fun to say "gay porn."
Bitchcakes: Porn porn porn. This has been like the Week O' Porn for me.
Spacecrackers: I kind of wish I owned some gay porn. Just to own some.
Spacecrackers: I own gay movies, but no actual porn. Darn it.
Bitchcakes: Well if you ever get out to the east coast, we'll go to Amanda's house and watch some gay porn.
Spacecrackers: About dating customers, and chatting up the guys who're renting porn: Essentially, they they're being their very suavest with me and then ending by saying "See you later - off to masturbate!" It's just too much to know. I think I literally just 'sniggered'.
Bitchcakes: Heh.
Bitchcakes: He could feel the pain, her pain. He could almost hear every cry that had pierced the night from her delicate lips. The desperate tears, the small, shimmering drops of salty water that had fallen down her cheeks like angels from a stormy sky. Why? Why did anyone have to feel pain like that?

Why? Why does anyone have to write crap like that?
Spacecrackers: Why? Why did I have to feel the pain of that fic?
Bitchcakes: Don't you think that angels falling from a stormy sky would be more like *THUD* or *KERSPLAT*?
Spacecrackers: I'm going with *KERSPLAT*. Because that's a neat sound.
Bitchcakes: And maybe a *CRUNCH*.
Spacecrackers: *CRUNCH* is good. Though, there's also something to be said for the traditional *CRACK*.
Bitchcakes: Maybe a wet *CRUNCH*.
Spacecrackers: Okay, you don't need to know the characters. Just that Hiro was apparently in love with Shuuichi (they're best friends, and it IS possible that Hiro has feelings for Shuuichi, but Shuuichi definitely loves Yuki), and I guess some stuff happened or whatnot. I did not alter this.

Hiro ran up behind yuki placing a hand on his shoulder. "dont do this to him Eiri-san. he needs you." He was met with an icy glare. "well appertently he needs you more." "Thats not true. Since you came around, he hasnt needed me. Go back." "why should i?" Because you are a moron if you dont. Hes someone you dont turn down. He'll give you everything. Take it." "and what about you?" "i plan to back off." "One more interferance from you and thats it." "Fine. Ill disapear. But you damn well better look after him." "i dont believe thats any of your concern." "yah"
Bitchcakes: ..............
Bitchcakes: "yah"
Spacecrackers: It's just... this author didn't even capitalize I!
Spacecrackers: I!
Bitchcakes: Author's Note: This is only the prologue of the whole story. Through out this story, the theme of the story will be 'How Did I Fall In Love With You'. This is where everything starts....

Okay, you really shouldn't have to tell me the theme ahead of time.
Bitchcakes: But it's so much work to hit that Shift key!

2002-10-30T19:47:00.000-06:00

Bitchcakes: Have you ever wondered... If life really is a dream, then couldn't we make it any way we choose? What if one dreamer decided that the dream, was better than reality... could he not make that dream his reality? And if he did, how many lives could he change, if he awoke, but somehow, someway, managed to return to the dream he chose to make real?

Whaaaaaaa?
Spacecrackers: .....well, let's just start with that first sentance.
Spacecrackers: Life is not a dream. That's why it's called life and not a dream.
Bitchcakes: *laughing*
Spacecrackers: Therefore, the rest of that is just completely invalid.
Spacecrackers: But... I, too, have a dream I perfer to reality.
Spacecrackers: I have a dream that people would no longer write stupid fanfiction like that. Could I... change lives and make my dream real?
Bitchcakes: But what if you awoke, and somehow, some way, managed to return to the dream and...

Wait, what the fuck are we talking about again?
Bitchcakes: Oh, right, if life were a dream.
Bitchcakes: But, if life were a dream than how could a dream be better than reality, because reality would be a dream, and there wouldn't be any difference, and...
Bitchcakes: Enh, fuck it.
Spacecrackers: I would say that they're getting at the idea of a dream within a dream, but... that doesn't make sense.
Spacecrackers: Because you're still just dreaming and neither of them are real.
Spacecrackers: And "Somehow, someway managed to return to the dream [....]"?
Spacecrackers: Yeah. Because that whole taking a nap thing is really difficult.
Spacecrackers: It's not like you can just lie down, close your eyes, and let it happen all on its own.
Bitchcakes: That paragraph makes less sense than 'Vanilla Sky.'
Bitchcakes: Ok, i've read the first chapter of the story, and god help me, I think I understand what she's getting at now.
Bitchcakes: So guy spends three years living his life and then goes off to die (what we like to call "canon"), and just as he's dying he decides he sorta liked his life after all, darn it. but instead of dying he wakes up and he's in bed with his girlfriend and it's three years ago, the Very Day Everything Went To Hell In A Handbasket. and It Was All A Dream. he's all bummed out that none of it was real and so he decides to get outta town, leaving his One True Love, but sparing her the pain of Hell In A Handbasket, and find the people from his dream (aka 'canon').
Bitchcakes: And apparently a crucial part of this is not beginning a new paragraph every time someone new speaks.
Spacecrackers: I think... I follow. A weird idea for a fic, but... okay.
Bitchcakes: And now he's thinking, 'What the fuck's wrong with me? I whined and complained and had a death wish the whole time I was in that 'dream' and now I want to go back to it when I could be with my One True Love and make sure our affair was never found out by her boyfriend/my best friend just cuz this author is a whackjob?'
Spacecrackers: Um... if it was a dream... why would he think it would happen in his real life?
Bitchcakes: See above statement re: author and whackjob.
Spacecrackers: Got it. ^_^v
Bitchcakes: For some reason he's going on the assumption that all the people from the dream are real, he just hasn't met them yet.
Spacecrackers: .....well, okay then.

2002-10-30T19:21:00.000-06:00

Bitchcakes: I just have to say, if I read this sentence one more time I'm going to take drastic action. I don't know what it will be, but dammit, someone has to stand up and put a stop to these things:

"I need to feel you inside of me. Please . . ."

Spacecrackers: ..........you don't know how many times I've read that.
Spacecrackers: It's especially aggrivating in slash/yaoi fic.
Bitchcakes: I say we start a campaign to declare a moratorium.
Spacecrackers: I say we start stabbing anyone who writes that line from now on.
Bitchcakes: That's good. I like that better. Stabbing.
Spacecrackers: Complete with insane, "THERE! DO YOU FEEL ME INSIDE OF YOU NOW!?" shrieking.
Bitchcakes: "Your honor, my clients just snapped. I'd like to enter into evidence Exhibit A, 100,000 pages of poorly constructed fanfiction sex scenes."
Spacecrackers: I think we'd get away with it.
Spacecrackers: Especially after they read those fanfic sex scenes.
Bitchcakes: It's really starting to drive me nuts. A lot of times the pre-coital fingerfucking is about as sexy as a pelvic exam. And then we get stuff like,"She felt so whole with him in her like that." Yes, that's all she needed to complete her. A penis.
Bitchcakes: I suppose we can blame it all on romance novels.
Spacecrackers: Well, really. Don't we all just need a penis to complete us?
Bitchcakes: Guess so. It seems to be the prevailing notion.
Spacecrackers: We just feel so empty unless we have a penis inside us.
Bitchcakes: Yeah, it's like the Grand freakin' Canyon down there!

--

Bitchcakes: His hips hammered against hers as he plunged into her again and again... blah blah blah simultaneous orgasm, roll eyes, yawn.
Bitchcakes: No one ever mentions the "stirring macaroni" noise, which was how one friend of mine described it. Or the "What's that sound? Oh, it's his balls slapping against my ass."
Bitchcakes: Or my favorite from said friend, "smackin' the flan."
Spacecrackers: Well. Thank you.
Spacecrackers: I'm so glad I chose that moment to come back with my dinner.
Bitchcakes: LOL! *sheepish* I'm sorry.
Bitchcakes: It's not flan, is it?
Spacecrackers: I just thank god it wasn't macaroni.
Bitchcakes: Yeah, it'll make you think twice next time you mix up a batch of Kraft's.
Spacecrackers: Personally, I don't mind the not mentioning of those noises. I like to pretend like they don't exist.
Bitchcakes: Yeah, it's probably better left out.
Spacecrackers: And every sex scene has romantic music playing in the background when *I* read it, because that helps cover the non-desirable noises.
Bitchcakes: That's probably why they put that music in the background of porn.
Spacecrackers: .....not that it does so well at covering up the noises. I guess maybe that's part of the charm for the audience who watches porn.

2002-10-30T19:14:00.000-06:00

Spacecrackers: I shouldn't find this funny... but I do....

Unknown Story by Nicole Wagner
Vargas hires Sabertooth to rape and torture Gambit's sister, to hurt Gambit emotionally, just to get back at Rogue. FIXED version!
R - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3751 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 10-4-02 - Published: 10-4-02

Bitchcakes: *snort*
Bitchcakes: That's sure taking the long way around.
Bitchcakes: Oh, vomit. Will the well of these monstrosities never run dry?

8. If Tomorrow Never Comes by Mrs O-Town
While listening to a song, Vaughn and Sydney come face-to-face with their feelings...[S/V]

Spacecrackers: Next thing you know, Vargas is going to be tripping Remy's second cousin on her way to school and making her scrape her knee... just to get back at Rogue.
Spacecrackers: Oh, puke.
Spacecrackers:
Closing Timeby Jo Shmoe
Remy must decide wheather or not to make a move. based on the song by Semisonic. Thanks to Roguechere for pointing out something to me!
PG - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1008 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 10-4-02 - Published: 10-4-02

YAY! SONGFIC! I can't get enough of those for the X-Men, either!
Bitchcakes: Woohoo! And especially songs that are years beyond their popularity!
Bitchcakes: It's wrong that I'm thinking of coming up with FFNET login name just to write negative, yet honest reviews, isn't it?
Bitchcakes: Like, when an author asks, "Too mushy?" I want to say, "Yes. Too mushy."

Spacecrackers: *laughs* You should!
Spacecrackers: That would be so much fun!
Bitchcakes: They're having this open mic thing on the quad tonight. I should have gone down there and read bad fanfiction poetry.
Bitchcakes: "A Selection of Poems Entitled 'Love' On Fanfiction.net"
Spacecrackers: That would be beautiful... dramatic readings of bad fanfiction poetry. XD
Bitchcakes: Last year my friends and I wanted to start a Bad Art festival, but on one on the faculty would go for it.
Bitchcakes: 6. My Friend by Jadedbest
The problem with most A/U B/V high school fics is that they're too silly. So I guess I'll make mine angst. *Chapter 16 is up*.

I would guess that main problem with most A/U B/V high school fics is that they're set in high schools.
Spacecrackers:*giggles* B/V?
Spacecrackers: Oh, and speaking of Alias, is now the time to taunt you about the last Will holdout caving? ;-)
Bitchcakes: Oh, sure, taunt me. Why not?
Spacecrackers: You felt sympathy for Wiiiiii~ll. You felt sympathy for Wiiiiii~ll. HA! Will-sympathizer!
Bitchcakes: (That was Bulma/Vegeta, btw)
Bitchcakes: *hangs head* I know.
Bitchcakes: I tried to resist! I just... wasn't strong enough.
Bitchcakes: Mr. Sark is still my boyfriend, though.
Spacecrackers: (AUGH! B/V high school fics. I think the real problem with those stories is that the authors are retarded. If we could just solve that problem....)
Spacecrackers:That's okay, Victor Garber is going to be my new boyfriend. ;-)
Bitchcakes: I hope you're very happy together.
Spacecrackers:And I hope you are equally happy with Mr. Sark.
Bitchcakes: Thank you.

2002-10-30T19:06:00.000-06:00

Little things amuse me.

Spacecrackers: *sigh* Dammit, only one Evo author I've ever liked.
Spacecrackers: I genuinely like the world they've set up (for the most part), but it only seems to attract the authors who are writing purely about who should be with who. If I see one more annoying nickname....
Spacecrackers: Even the movieverse got a few talented authors, why not Evo, dammit?
Bitchcakes: Skewing young is all I can think of.
Spacecrackers: Like this one:

When I lost youby Ludra-jenova
Fanfiction yaoi........LANCETRO Y EVETRO.........summary inside
R - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4221 - Reviews: 6 - Updated: 10-3-02 - Published: 9-16-02

Bitchcakes: Bleh.
Bitchcakes: Pairings pairings pairings. Little hormone crazed freaks.
Spacecrackers: That's really what the entire fandom is based on. Little hormone crazed freaks.

If I ever did an Evo-based website, that's what I'd call it. Little Hormone Crazed Freaks.

2002-10-21T19:12:00.000-05:00

Something you never, ever want to read in an author's note:

Poem by Jewel Kilcher, taken from "a Night without armor".

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Oh, god, it's too horrible! I can't bear to look!

You do it.

2002-10-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

Bitchcakes: Authors note: I wrote this because well frankly I've got so much more I can do with a new character and plus this show needs someone Australian.

Translation: "I wrote this because well frankly Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue."
Bitchcakes: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1000937
Short and crappy. The summary:

7. Love,Loss and Feeding the swans by Sydney Games
A extremly powerful agent who has lost almost everything is sent into the lives of our fave pair S/V
PG - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 512 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 10-6-02 - Published: 10-6-02
Spacecrackers: America yeah right I mean you can't drink until you are like 21and I can't wait another 3 years. Uh huh, sure.
Bitchcakes: I like the part about "Pfft. I am an extremely powerful Agent Mary Sue and I could do that 4k run in like 5 minutes."
Bitchcakes:
1. Mistakes Repeated by Laurie69
Rory is abck from Washington. I suck at summaries. Its good. Rory ends up Prenant. TOTAL R/J

Apparently you also suck at typing.
Spacecrackers: I'm gonna go out on a nice, sturdy limb and say she probably sucks at writing, too.

Bitchcakes: Actual title: 28. OMG! What just happened? by wishinstar
Spacecrackers: OMG! I think someone just wrote a stupid fanfic! by a stupid fanfic author

2002-10-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Bitchcakes (10:55:05 PM): Geez, come on, fic author! Be fair to Dean!

But his constant jealousy and possessiveness were wearing her thin. She was tired of having to explain herself if she didn’t or couldn’t spend every waking moment with him.

Dude, he has every right to be jealous! She's been waffling. She's, like, cheating in her heart!
Spacecrackers (10:56:28 PM): Beat the author with a stick! A stick with a rusty, pointy nail on the end of it!
Bitchcakes (10:56:46 PM): *eyes gleam with lust for violence* Yeah!
Bitchcakes (10:57:17 PM): *looks around for rusty-point-nail-stick*
Bitchcakes (10:57:19 PM): .......
Bitchcakes (10:57:24 PM): Shoot. Don't got one.
Spacecrackers (10:57:35 PM): Hmm. Are your fingernails pointy?
Bitchcakes (10:58:40 PM): No, they are sadly blunt.
Spacecrackers (10:58:57 PM): Shoot. Fingernail clippers?
Spacecrackers (10:59:05 PM): As long as it has the word nail in the name....
Bitchcakes (10:59:43 PM): A have some nails. I could stick them in the end of some Emery boards.
Spacecrackers (11:00:06 PM): There you go. Go get that nasty author!
Bitchcakes (11:01:08 PM): *MacGyvers herself a weapon*

THWACKTHWACKTHWACKTHWACKTHWACK!
Bitchcakes (11:02:08 PM): I feel a little better.
Spacecrackers (11:02:25 PM): Violence usually solves any problem.
Bitchcakes (11:02:51 PM): Yup, there's no problem solver like violence!
Spacecrackers (11:03:14 PM): Unless it's a troubled relationship.
Spacecrackers (11:03:19 PM): Then sex or a baby is the answer.
Spacecrackers (11:03:32 PM): Often times both.
Bitchcakes (11:04:50 PM): I thought that was the answer to flagging ratings.
Spacecrackers (11:05:13 PM): ......wait, people have relationships when ratings aren't at stake?
Bitchcakes (11:06:36 PM): That's what I'm told, but I'm not sure if I believe it.
Spacecrackers (11:06:54 PM): That can't be right.
Bitchcakes (11:08:40 PM): I'm skeptical.
Bitchcakes (11:24:17 PM): Is this "kool" poor spelling, or stupid poor spelling?

Hey! love the story! verrie good
uve actullie MET James Marsters? I envy u. Ur my role model. was he reallie mean? w/b pritty pritty plz
Spacecrackers (11:25:11 PM): ...... "kewl" poor spelling is what my insticts say.
Bitchcakes (11:25:45 PM): Yeah. I don't get that.

2002-10-09T00:53:00.000-05:00

Bitchcakes: Evil, stupid, or both?

5. I Love Kate and Leopold by Sassy
I love Kate and Leopold. I really want to answer questions or anything about the movie. Read my story thing and you will understand.
F » Kate and Leopold - G - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 48 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 9-26-02 - Published: 9-26-02

Spacecrackers: ........... *tilts head*
Spacecrackers: Definitely stupid. I wouldn't necessarily say evil... just... a special kind of retarded.
Bitchcakes: Yeah, I don't sense any evil. But real, real stupid.

2002-10-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Spacecrackers (3:00:22 AM): There are 195 fics in the G.I. Joe catagory. I find this to be odd for some reason.
Spacecrackers (3:00:30 AM): What uncovered ground is there in G.I. Joe?
Bitchcakes (3:02:08 AM): Wow, are people really exploring the inner lives of characters named Mudflap and Heat Rash and whatever the hell their names were?
Spacecrackers (3:02:55 AM): Browsing the He-Man section....

Interlude in Purple by Slinky Avenger
PWP ( Porn *With* Plot ) involving Skeletor and Evil-Lyn. *chapter three added!*
NC-17 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11590 - Reviews: 15 - Updated: 8-24-02 - Published: 8-19-02

Bitchcakes (3:03:23 AM): Okay, really not interested in reading Skeletor porn, thanks.
Spacecrackers (3:03:51 AM): I just love that it's NC-17 AND named "Interlude in Purple". That's just asking people to mock it and laugh.
Bitchcakes (3:05:50 AM): As if writing He-Man fic wasn't mockable enough.
Spacecrackers (3:07:40 AM): I'm now browsing the Daria fanfic section. Sometimes I feel like writing Daria/Tom just to combat all the Daria/Trent 'shippers.
Spacecrackers (3:08:03 AM): I mean, I have nothing against the pairing itself, I was once a huge fan, but... y'know, I liked Tom and I liked how he evolved Daria.
Spacecrackers (3:08:44 AM):
For You
Daria and Mr. O'Niell have a secret, how long can they hide their love? Written on a dare, and for no other reason.
F » Daria - PG-13 - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2765 - Reviews: 21 - Updated: 7-26-01 - Published: 7-26-01

Bitchcakes (3:09:12 AM): *snort*
Bitchcakes (3:09:45 AM): Yeah, Daria/Trent kinda bothers me, cuz come on, people! Let it go!
Spacecrackers (3:10:49 AM): It's always a surreal trip through the Daria section because I swear every third story is some sort of batshit crossover.
Bitchcakes (3:13:02 AM): Such as?
Spacecrackers (3:13:16 AM): The last one I remember seeing was a Daria/Hamtaro one.
Spacecrackers (3:13:56 AM): Daria/Max Hedroom. Daria/Muppets.
Spacecrackers (3:14:18 AM): Daria/Clue.
Bitchcakes (3:14:27 AM): Yeah, those are all batshit.
Bitchcakes (3:14:56 AM): Although Daria/Hamtaro might be wacked out enough to be amusing.
Spacecrackers (3:14:57 AM): Daria, Saturday Night Fever-style.
Spacecrackers (3:16:08 AM):
No One Loves A Fashion Divaby Ronin
Sandi kills herself.
PG - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3700 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 9-2-02 - Published: 8-4-02

I love that that's it. That's the whole synopsis.
Bitchcakes (3:17:10 AM): That's beautiful.
Spacecrackers (3:18:31 AM): I'm now wandering the The Road to El Dorado section.

Saturday Nightby MissFitt
Tulio and Miguel and a night on the town, ToonTown that is.
NC-17 - English - Romance/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3505 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 3-29-02 - Published: 3-29-02
Spacecrackers (3:19:00 AM): (It still boggles my mind that there wasn't more slash for this movie.)
Bitchcakes (3:19:49 AM): Maybe it's just that not many people saw it.
Spacecrackers (3:20:25 AM): That's probably it. Which is too bad, it was actually a very enjoyable movie.
Spacecrackers (3:21:05 AM): *snort *
Spacecrackers (3:21:17 AM): The beginning cracks me up.
Bitchcakes (3:23:36 AM): *laughs* Enrique's.
Spacecrackers (3:24:00 AM): Oh, it only gets better.
Bitchcakes (3:24:37 AM): Uh oh. Loins are beginning to tense.
Spacecrackers (3:25:29 AM): He quickly surveyed who was in the bar tonight. At the far corner, a television character, Jesse Moreno, rythym guitarist for the band Mystic Spiral, sat drinking a beer. Tulio had seen Jesse on that show "Daria" several times, but never met him.
Bitchcakes (3:26:25 AM): I can just picture him, sullenly sipping his beer, while 'La Bouche' music plays in the background.
Spacecrackers (3:28:41 AM): Oh, I love you, retarded fic!
Bitchcakes (3:28:44 AM): The techno music had faded into an eerie metal genre. Korn's "Make Me Bad" pounded in their ears and the pits of their stomachs.

Yeah. Gay clubs play Korn all the time.
Spacecrackers (3:30:32 AM): The master bedroom, as Miguel once described it, was, "masculine without too much testosterone." The king sized bed, with wrought iron head and foot boards, was covered in black velvet bedding that was never properly made. Because black velvet is masculine.
Bitchcakes (3:31:08 AM): Because it's black, you see.
Spacecrackers (3:31:35 AM): Well, hey. Aren't all those Elvis paintings done on black velvet?
Bitchcakes (3:33:26 AM): Exactly.
Spacecrackers (3:39:09 AM): .....that was so much fun.
Bitchcakes (3:40:34 AM): Fun is one word for it, I guess.

2002-10-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

Bitchcakes (7:20:50 PM): -_- Oy.

. Sk8ter Boi by sailorstargirl13
My first songfic! H/hr! THIS SONG ROCKS! please r+r!
Harry Potter - G - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 928 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 09-07-02 - Published: 09-07-02
Spacecrackers (7:21:27 PM): .................ow.
Bitchcakes (7:22:16 PM): . Don't You See by Tellu
Bra's the pregnant. Who's the father and why is it such a secret? More to the point how will this unborn child cause so many problems?
Dragon Ball Z - R - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6464 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 09-07-02 - Published: 09-07-02

Heh. "Bra's the pregnant."
Spacecrackers (7:23:07 PM): ...............I'm guessing it's probably a secret for some stupid reason.
Spacecrackers (7:23:32 PM): 12. The Mermaid by The Voices in My Head
The life story of Starsong. A young mermaid that did what no other mermaid would do. She fell in love with a human prince and she would do anything to have him.
Myth - PG-13 - English - Fantasy/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1251 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 09-07-02 - Published: 09-07-02

Um, I'm pretty sure that has indeed be done.
Spacecrackers (7:24:28 PM): *laughs* Nah. I'm pretty sure I would have heard of a story like that before. It's such a clever and original concept!

2002-10-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

Picking up from the last entry....

Bitchcakes (9:50:31 PM): http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=891896&chapter=4
Spacecrackers (9:54:09 PM): Not that I will use any of the money. I will simply redistribute it when the previous owners show themselves worthy enough to have it. Until then, it will remain in my secret storage facility in my room. I don't know why, but that amuses me so much.
Spacecrackers (9:56:29 PM): He does not answer that. The lone bill in his hands floats to the ground as he holds his head in his hands. Slumping his shoulders slightly, he closes his eyes and continues as though I hadn't asked at all. *giggles* ....wait, was I supposed to laugh at that or not?
Bitchcakes (9:56:56 PM): I think this is supposed to be a serious installment.
Spacecrackers (9:58:24 PM): The fact that I have telepathy and can phase out and about as I please comes in handy when I wish to observe. Dude! That's just wrong!
Bitchcakes (9:58:59 PM): It's creepy. J'onn is all William Baldwin in "Sliver".
Spacecrackers (10:00:49 PM): So . . . next time, we might even find out who slept with Hawkgirl! What was with her "painful memories" thing, anyways? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess her "painful memories" was being in this fanfic.
Bitchcakes (10:01:11 PM): Heh. This fic blows when it's not being zany.
Spacecrackers (10:02:03 PM): Yeah, it had a few sparkles here and there but was missing the overall charm of the previous installments.
Bitchcakes (10:06:40 PM): *blink* Flying Nun fic? *click*
Spacecrackers (10:06:48 PM): ......wtf?
Bitchcakes (10:07:48 PM): 1. Mysterious Ways - a Carlos/Bertrille story by Melody Clark
Carlos Ramirez realizes he's lost the only woman he'd ever love
G - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1512 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 08-26-02 - Published: 08-26-02

2. La Tormenta Grande by Melody Clark
When Sister Bertrille is trapped by a tropical storm, only Carlos Ramirez may save her.
PG - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4491 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 08-26-02 - Published: 08-26-02
Spacecrackers (10:08:47 PM): .....................*stares*
Bitchcakes (10:18:25 PM): I guess there was a lot of sexual tension between Sally Field and that guy...?

2002-10-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

Note: These really are more amusing when you've read the fics in question. :)

Bitchcakes (3:31:48 AM): Okay, stupid, stupid stupid stupid Justice League fic, but this amused me:
~
Meanwhile, Superman was up on the Karaoke stand. Martian Manhunter was next to him, looking irritated. They were singing the ever popular song, "Who let the dogs out." Superman was really into it, singing all of the lyrics like he wrote the song, but J'onn never broke a monotone.

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!?!"

"Who. Who. Who. Who."

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!?!?!"

"Who. Who. Who. Who indeed."
~
Spacecrackers (3:33:31 AM): *snort* .......it's kind of scary that my brain can produce that image with very little effort.
Bitchcakes (3:34:01 AM): With the voices and everything.
Bitchcakes (3:35:00 AM): ~
"Oh go cry about it in your Invisible Jet Princess star-spangled-undies-in- a-bunch." Flash replied, more than a little bit irritated. He then proceeded to stick out his tongue.

Wonder Woman stared at the ground a bit self-consciously and muttered, "I would, but I can't find it. I don't remember where I parked it . . ."
~
Spacecrackers (3:37:00 AM): *laughs* That shouldn't have worked, but it kind of did.
Bitchcakes (3:40:00 AM): This story is ridiculous. I'll send you the URL.
Bitchcakes (3:40:10 AM): ~As he was "The Bat," the lights in his room were always at a romantic low. The Bat didn't just set the mood..he lived it. Hell yeah.~
*snicker*
Bitchcakes (3:40:26 AM): http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=891896
Spacecrackers (3:41:01 AM): ........*bursts out laughing* Oh, my GOD! BAD IMAGES! But they're funny BAD IMAGES, so I don't know whether I want them in my head or not.
Spacecrackers (3:41:09 AM): Barry White!Batman.... *twitch*
Bitchcakes (3:41:27 AM): Hee!
Spacecrackers (3:42:07 AM): And you know he's probably got one of those honeymoon suit beds tucked away in the 'Cave somewhere. All red satin sheets and pillow cases.
Spacecrackers (3:43:23 AM): Diana lunged for Hawkgirl, screeching, "YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!! HE IS DIFFERENT!!!" That amuses me for some reason. Diana lunged her. I'm sure there's a good joke in there somewhere.
Bitchcakes (3:44:53 AM): It's just wacky. In a good way, I think.
Spacecrackers (3:44:59 AM): "Telepathy. Duh," he replied in monotone. Hee!
Spacecrackers (3:45:54 AM): "Okay peepo . . . Tonigh isa Karaoke Nigh . . . Gitta pah-nah . . . and go tu a mica-rapho. Yoo picka song. Yoo tell me wha you wann!"

..........ow.
Bitchcakes (3:46:36 AM): But hey, "no offence", right?
Spacecrackers (3:46:55 AM): None at all.
Spacecrackers (3:47:14 AM): "Okay . . . So, about those wings of yours . . . Do you have them when you are born, or do they come later on, like puberty?"

"You are a sick and twisted little man."

Oh, come on. That's a perfectly legitimate question and not even phrased all that badly.
Spacecrackers (3:48:03 AM): It's like someone asking if we're born with arms or do we get them with puberty? It's not sick and twisted. GRR! Must... not... try... to apply... logic... to... fic...! >_<
Bitchcakes (3:48:55 AM): Don't think about it, Brak.
Bitchcakes (3:54:45 AM): Whoo. Chapter 3 is by far my favorite. These chicks are nutty.
Spacecrackers (3:59:22 AM): To put it simply, the other Leaguers were kind of scared of him, and his self-sufficient habits. So... what? They'd be more comfortable if Batman was co-dependant and needy?
Bitchcakes (4:00:42 AM): Oh, now that's a picture.
Spacecrackers (4:07:04 AM): IN SUPERMAN'S BEDROOM: around midnight.

Knowing his unrequited crush on Diana, the way he pines for her, and the proven... oddity of this fic with the BarryWhite!Batman... I don't REALLY want to know what Superman is doing in his bedroom right now, do I?
Bitchcakes (4:08:28 AM): You'd think you wouldn't, but it turns out to be nothing.
Spacecrackers (4:08:42 AM): Superman mumbled to himself as he climbed back into bed, "I hope Lois isn't doing pot because she is getting awfully paranoid."

Huh?
Bitchcakes (4:09:33 AM): Cuz pot makes you paranoid. Not, like, "Wow, I'm getting awfully paranoid. I'd better do some pot!"
Spacecrackers (4:10:19 AM): Well, hey, it might releave the stress of being so paranoid.
Bitchcakes (4:11:06 AM): Point.
Spacecrackers (4:11:57 AM): "And for god's sake, put some pants on. You never know when the ladies will be up. Yes. Because that's exactly how Superman would think.
Spacecrackers (4:13:03 AM): NEXT TIME: So, who DID Hawkgirl get jiggy with? I vote J'Onn.
Bitchcakes (4:13:15 AM): Seconded.
Spacecrackers (4:17:00 AM): He groaned. "Crap," he said, "I need to get home." *snort* Just the idea of Batman groaning, "Crap." amuses the, well, crap out of me.
Spacecrackers (4:20:35 AM): Hawkgirl running around without her mask on does make me wonder. We've seen lots of Batman in his own series, Diana, J'Onn, and Clark don't wear masks, and we've seen John without his mask... will we ever get episodes like that for Wally and Hawkgirl?
Bitchcakes (4:20:40 AM): Heh. "The Joker got away again. Crap."
Bitchcakes (4:20:55 AM): I hope so.
Spacecrackers (4:21:19 AM): (no offence to fingerless midgets.) Hee. That just amused me so much.
Bitchcakes (4:21:50 AM): If they're fingerless, how did they do the plucking? Hmmm...
Spacecrackers (4:23:46 AM): And it won't stop with 'crap', I'm sure. "Two-Face and Poison Ivy have escaped from Arkham. Shucks."
Spacecrackers (4:25:59 AM): Before J'Onn could take another card from him, Green Lantern slapped his cards on the table and stood up. "I'm sick of this. I want fishsticks," he said, and exited the room.

I love the randomness.
Spacecrackers (4:27:14 AM): He wanted to be the tamer. Ewwwwwwwwww. So much badness there.
Bitchcakes (4:27:49 AM): Yeah, not a pleasant metaphor.
Bitchcakes (4:27:59 AM): I liked the card games.
Spacecrackers (4:29:48 AM): Okay, I admit I laughed at Hawkgirl trying to go postal on J'Onn's ass.
Bitchcakes (4:31:21 AM): I think one of my very favorite parts is when hawkgirl proposes Crazy Eights and J'Onn replies, "Bring it."
Spacecrackers (4:33:24 AM): Scarily enough, I can hear that.
Bitchcakes (4:33:37 AM): Of course. Cuz Carl Lumbly rules.

2002-10-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

A conversation from awhile back... that basically speaks for itself.

Bitchcakes: You know what I find hilarious? Jay/Silent Bob slash.
Spacecrackers: .....eww.
Bitchcakes: I mean, Jesus Christ, can't anybody just be friends?
Spacecrackers: No. No, they can't. Not if we have Bible slash in the world.
Bitchcakes: We watched Chasing Amy last night, so I'm perusing the Kevin Smith section of FFNET.
Bitchcakes: Bible slash. That I have not seen. Jesus/Peter?
Bitchcakes: Daniel/Nebuchadnezzar?
Spacecrackers: Not sure. I've stayed far, faaaar away. I might be hallucinating, but I think Judas might have been mentioned...? Not like I'm an expert on Bible relationships, though.
Bitchcakes: Probably Judas/Jesus. Angsty.
Bitchcakes: >_<

~~Alyssa looked down at her hands, a thick section of hair falling over her eyes. There was a chance Holden was right, and a threesome would settle everything. ~~

And there's apparently a chance that Alyssa had a lobotmy before appearing in this story.
Bitchcakes: I am torn between amusement and horror.
Spacecrackers: ...........I'm going with amusement right now.
Bitchcakes: Oh, lookie, this author also writes Whose Line Is It Anyway slash.
Spacecrackers: .........dude.
Spacecrackers: That's just incredibly wrong.
Bitchcakes: Her home page. http://www.angelfire.com/az2/taylorjameson/index2.htm
Spacecrackers: I almost want to ask what pairing, but I'm scared.
Bitchcakes: Various, actually.
Spacecrackers: .....Matt and Trey? *laughs!*
Bitchcakes: Yeah, I found that amusing.
Spacecrackers: You know what I've never seen? South Park slash.
Spacecrackers: .....aaand, there it is.
Bitchcakes: That's one less thing you haven't seen.
Spacecrackers: I think that list is getting down to about one thing left. (Ie, CHiPs slash.)
Bitchcakes: Where IS that, anyway? How could we NOT have seen CHiPs slash by now?
Spacecrackers: I don't know! It's kind of... weird, because it should be there. I don't necessarily want it to be there, but I expect it to be there and when it's not, it's very disconcerting.
Bitchcakes: *cackling madly with laughter*

~~
"Banky, I'm sorry...I want to make it up to you." Holden moved to his friend's side. "Why don't we go off together, maybe take a cruise somewhere...just get the hell out of Jersey for a while."
~~

Take a cruise! HA!
Bitchcakes: Oh, god, that was both hideous and hysterical.
Spacecrackers: *laughs* Because a cruise can solve anything!
Bitchcakes: "Now we can have mushy gay love! Everything's fixed! Yay!"
Spacecrackers: You find the weirdest shit. Though, that reminds me... I totally cannot remember, did I share the horrible, horrible Beauty and the Beast (as in the Disney movie) 'darkfic' with you?
Bitchcakes: No, I don't think you did. I'd probably remember that.
Spacecrackers: Beauty and the Beast: Darkness http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=776039.
Bitchcakes: Oh god, i just got the best visual of Ben Affleck and Jason Lee on the Love Boat.
Spacecrackers: You get the best creepy visuals.
Spacecrackers: I love the way this story starts out.

"No...it can't be. It just can't be! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Belle fell to the floor weeping and sobbing and screaming. She had just recieved the news that her father drowned to death in a lake when he was running from wolves and the ice cracked. Belle was unconsolable. Claude had tried to talk to her, but she pushed him away. Finally, Mrs. Potts put some chloroform on a handkerchief and put it up to Belle's nose and mouth. Within seconds, she was asleep. She was carried to her room and they put her in the bed.
Bitchcakes: *laughing* That's excellent.
Spacecrackers: And it only gets better.
Bitchcakes: Belle was due for a psychotic break. You can tell she's unstable just by looking at her.
Bitchcakes: ~....her scream was like that of a lost soul in Hell. ~

Hee!
Bitchcakes: ~He then took her to a special room for people who got killed in the castle. ~

*giggle* The magical enchanted morgue!
Spacecrackers: Yes! That was the line that just floored me.
Spacecrackers: "I lost my father...and now Angelique. Claude, I don't want any more deaths." Gosh! She says that as if she knows there are going to be more.
Bitchcakes: This is just full of gems. ~Angelique knew that too, so to keep him from committing adultery by sleeping with her, then Anette, she decided they wouldn't marry. Ever. At least not until Anette was dead.~
Spacecrackers: Angelique knew that too, so to keep him from committing adultery by sleeping with her, then Anette, she decided they wouldn't marry. Ever. *LOL*
Bitchcakes: Jinx!
Bitchcakes: *g*
Spacecrackers: Not that that was creepy or anything. ;-)
Bitchcakes: "Oh goodness me! Cogsworth's in trouble!" worried Mrs. Potts.
"No shit?" snapped Anette.
Spacecrackers: "But girls, it could be true, but it's probably not." said Lumiere. I love the solid confidence he has in his friend.
Bitchcakes: Question: Is there Lumiere/Cogsworth slash?
Bitchcakes: Oh, I love the "author's note" in chapter 3.
Spacecrackers: That thought frightens me.
Spacecrackers: I loved the part where calling the author's grammar "atrocious" is attacking them as a person.
Bitchcakes: I am my grammar and my grammar is me!
Bitchcakes: "Shut up, you psychotic whore!"

Hee!
Bitchcakes: The area of her nightgown where he'd thrust hard in her began to bleed through the silk fabric.

Her nightgown is bleeding?
Spacecrackers: Finally, she went limp. He felt of her pulse. She still had one. She wasn't breathing though. He decided to leave it on her and then check back later to see if she was dead.
Spacecrackers: *snort* Check back later to see if she was dead!~
Spacecrackers: He left the room and ran out the door before anyone could see him....anyone, except Mrs. Potts, who had been watching through a hole in the door.

......what the fuck?
Bitchcakes: Ka-reepy.
Bitchcakes: Well, Belle spends three weeks comatose, but once she wakes up she recovers damn quickly!
Bitchcakes: Oh, pardon me, catatonic, not comatose.
Spacecrackers: She gasped as she realized that she was engaged to a murderer and rapist. She walked outside and went to her special spot she used to spy on him. .....what IS it with people spying on each other in this fic?
Spacecrackers: As he approached the castle, he told his horse to go back home. .....um. Since this is based on a Disney movie, I don't know whether to scorn that or not.
Bitchcakes: There are plenty of other things to scorn.
Spacecrackers: And you have to read the reviews when you've finished, too.
Bitchcakes: All of the smirking and devilish grinning is very off-putting.
Spacecrackers: Oh. There is the best review by "Dice".
Bitchcakes: I just read that one! I heart that review!
Bitchcakes: That is a marvelous set of reviews.
Bitchcakes: I love people saying it "has potential." Potential for what?
Spacecrackers: I love it when people come to the defense of the author, like they're just appalled and shocked that someone on Fanfiction.Net would say something like that!
Spacecrackers: *sadly* And FFNET used to be such a wholesome place, too. But it's been corrupted by those evil pricks who leave nasty reviews on this brilliant 'dark and mature' masterpiece.
Bitchcakes: Why can't authors be free to slaughter and rape Disney characters in peace, dammit, why?!
Spacecrackers: And don't forget rip out their throats and have them be completely fucking retarded. Why can't we all just get along!?
Bitchcakes: Well, I meant slaughter and rape in the figurative as well as literal sense.
Bitchcakes: Let writers write! Self expression is beautiful!
Spacecrackers: I... uh... just figured that the retardation was so spectacular that it should be mentioned seperately? ;-)
Bitchcakes: That was pretty spectacular retardation.
Spacecrackers: My life is much richer for having read that.
Bitchcakes: Mine as well. I'd forgotten how fulfilling bad fic could be.
Spacecrackers: Quote from 'Baby Maybe http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=774116', 'an Anakin/Padme' fic.

Padme:I want us to have a baby

Anakin:Well…(Sighs) Ok

Padme:YAY!
Bitchcakes: *giggling*
Bitchcakes: YAY!
Bitchcakes: (Padme Skywalker was sitting on her bed.Her husband Anankin who she delightfully calls “Ani” was in the bathroom shaving)

Yes, that is delightful, isn't it. So delightful.
Spacecrackers: The fic descends into complete babble by the end. It drops all pretense of trying to make sense.
Bitchcakes: Is it serious? Or a parody? Or just a very bad humor fic?
Spacecrackers: Sometimes I think it's serious, but other times I get the sense that he's trying to be funny and just... not very good at it.
Bitchcakes: It's quite ridiculous.
Bitchcakes: It would make a wonderful Bad Fanfic Sock Puppet Theatre.
Bitchcakes: "Hank Solo?" *snort*
Spacecrackers: Oh. Bad Fanfic Sock Puppet Theatre. That is truly one of the great ideas of our generation.
Bitchcakes: I've got to get to the craft store.
Spacecrackers: Can you imagine being in the audience for a showing of that? I would go to every single show.
Bitchcakes: The smutty fics would be funny. Full on sock puppet humping! Full frontal sock nudity!
Spacecrackers: You'd have to get people who could do it without laughing, though.
Spacecrackers: But if you could find those people... man, that would be beautiful.

2002-09-24T15:23:00.000-05:00

This is something I've been pondering for awhile and am wondering if it's just an anime thing.

There's an... odd phenomenon... I've noticed on FFNET that's happened twice now. I'm not sure how to explain it without giving examples, but... within a catagory, there forms a loose group of people who all write the same pairing (this is usually fandoms where there are a ton of different pairings, at the very least six or seven that are written regularly) and they become friends, they all review each other's work with every damn chapter, and they all write that brain-bleedingly mediocre fanfic.
And while all the stories are different, the feel of them so closely mirrors each other than you swear a single person could be writing them all. It's like they're clones of each other.

I first noticed this in the Yoroiden Samurai Troopers/Ronin Warriors fandom, and now it's happening in the Weiss Kreuz one. Let me give some examples. (Btw, in case anyone didn't know, "Ran" and "Aya" are the same person.)

The ANGEL Projectby LittleIsa
*CHAP. 2 UP* KenxRan - Ken, Yohji and Omi have been given a new team member named Ran. But with him comes a danger that hides itself in human form. What does all this have to do with Ran? Why won’t Kritiker release information about their new teammate?
R - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 10042 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 9-24-02 - Published: 9-18-02

Please, Give Me Another Chanceby Atsureki
Hatefilled words from Ken to Aya breaks the latter and now Ken will have to pay for his actions. Can he live with what his words resulted in? (Aya/Ken One-sided)
R - English - Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3484 - Reviews: 19 - Updated: 9-23-02 - Published: 9-21-02

Love On A Leashby Atsureki
AU!!! Be aware of slavery, abuse and such (Nothing real graphic though!) Owner after owner has abused him and now he finds himself owned by Ran. Will it be another hell or is life finally giving him a break?
R - English - Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8575 - Reviews: 61 - Updated: 9-23-02 - Published: 9-14-02

No Goodbyesby fei
A fic with JIN. The White Hunters are disbanding. No time left. Will Ran and Ken be able to confess their love before it's too late? Shounen ai.
PG-13 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3515 - Reviews: 13 - Updated: 9-23-02 - Published: 9-23-02

Learning To Accept Himby Cece
Sequel to 'Revealing Myself'! Aya is having a hard time getting Ken to become intimate with him, because he's so new to gay relationships. AyaKen, YojiOmi - Incomplete
PG-13 - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1410 - Reviews: 21 - Updated: 9-21-02 - Published: 9-21-02

Hormones: The Teen Kindby Jin
[complete] A single word spoken in haste has brought trouble to Ken. But his hormones just seem to add more to the problem. AU, YAOI (you have been warned), RanKen
R - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 34593 - Reviews: 147 - Updated: 9-21-02 - Published: 7-24-02

I Never Even Told Youby Atsureki
(Aya/Ken) In the moment of truth Aya failed to tell Ken he loved him now he has to fight to prove his feelings. Words unspoken can hurt more than you think... Can Ken see what always was there?
PG - English - Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 5952 - Reviews: 23 - Updated: 9-19-02 - Published: 9-7-02

Before I'mby Keeshe Kal'daka
[ RanKen ] Will Ran ever have a chance to tell Ken his feelings.....?
PG-13 - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1106 - Reviews: 6 - Updated: 9-19-02 - Published: 9-19-02

Forever Not Yoursby Atsureki
(Aya/Ken) Songfic! How do you tell your lover that you won't be there anymore? How do you leave when you don't want to? Might make you cry... (Seq. added)
PG - English - Angst/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5842 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 9-18-02 - Published: 8-17-02

Sweetby Keeshe Kal'daka
[ RanKen ] Ran now has something against a certain candy and food that Ken really likes... [ R'r!!!! UPDATED ] ]
PG-13 - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2309 - Reviews: 24 - Updated: 9-17-02 - Published: 9-5-02

Can't Be With Youby Cece
[AU] Ken finds himself longing for a student, named Ran, who has absolutely no interest in him because of his social class. - Incomplete
R - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9437 - Reviews: 77 - Updated: 9-17-02 - Published: 8-17-02

Second Chancesby Atsureki
8 years after Weiss is ended Ken is deeply unhappy in his marriage when he stumbled over a beaten Ran. Can their love survive? Is there such a thing as second chances?
PG-13 - English - General - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10558 - Reviews: 43 - Updated: 9-17-02 - Published: 8-26-02

Blooming Affectionby Keeshe Kal'daka
[ AU RanKen ficcy. ] When they were kids, Ran and Ken made a bond to be friends forever...Now Ken comes home again after five years, will Ran be all forgiving? [ Chapter 1 added ]
PG-13 - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2097 - Reviews: 29 - Updated: 9-15-02 - Published: 9-9-02

To Earn My Wingsby Cece
A young girl descends into heaven. However, she must accomplish one good deed to receive her wings. Her mission: To play matchmaker for two oblivious and ignorant young men... As a cat! AyaKen, YojiOmi! - Incomplete
PG-13 - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1422 - Reviews: 21 - Updated: 9-15-02 - Published: 9-15-02

I'll stop now; you get the idea. There are about five or six of them (and by the way those were all posted over the last seven days) and it's like they're clones of each other. And while the stories are all these weird, wacky, off-the-wall ideas, it feels like the same story over and over again, nothing really new.

And I was just wondering if that only happened in the fandoms I frequent or if, like, the Alias fandom or Buffy fandom got it, too?

Not that these stories don't have their worth sometimes, mind. If you can view them as whacked soap opera versions of your favorite characters, it's actually kind of fun.

2002-09-17T02:34:00.000-05:00

FFNET Just In list, you suck so hard you rock.

6. The Teenage powerpuff Girls by Sakura [Himura] Myoujin
Bubbles wished 2 be a real girl, it did happened and Blossom and ButterCup became a real girl 2, yet the professor was persuade 2 make another PowerPuff, in this case, the girls ran away and never came back untill they reached teenagers. Include romance.
F » Powerpuff Girls - G - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 987 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 9-17-02 - Published: 9-17-02

7. Xander's Zone by darkangel
When Xander returns home from his mission and vacation with Yelena, he must find a way to deal with leaving behind and saying goodbye to the life he has known for so long...and the woman he didn't even know he loved...
F » xXx - R - English - Action/Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4686 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 9-17-02 - Published: 9-17-02

2002-06-05T12:34:00.000-05:00

Mocking Fanfiction.net postings again.

Bitchcakes: The Fanfiction.net just in list makes the baby Jesus cry.

Spacecrackers:

Tears Of Promises by HopelessLove123
A girl named Teri and a boy named Alan are worst enemies for 11 years. In High school everyone picks on her,but what if Alan finds out about Teri's family secret. what will happen?
Novel - PG-13 - English - Romance - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1041 - Updated: 06-03-02 - Published: 06-03-02

Let me guess... Teri's horrible, nasty, just awful family secret is that they all post retarded fics on Fanfiction.net?

Another Day by punkyballerina
::slash:: You are everything to me. Nothing could tear us apart, but if, for one moment, something could...what would it be?
Blink 182 - PG-13 - English - Drama/Romance - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1090 - Updated: 06-03-02 - Published: 06-03-02

Let me guess... crappy fanfic again? Man, retarded fic ruins everything! *stomps foot*

Girl Power by ACK
Actually, its my book report. But it tells a bit about Page, in case you forgot kinda what happened. Uh...well...bye!
Tamora Pierce - G - English - General - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1149 - Updated: 06-03-02 - Published: 06-03-02

........................I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bitchcakes: Dammit, just because you type something doesn't mean you have to post it to Fanfiction.net!
Bitchcakes: And now the site is being bitchy for me.
Spacecrackers: It just started doing the same thing to me. Grr. Dammit, I wanted to read this one:

Friend or Foe by Glory
This is for anyone who has ever been in a abusive relationship.
Original Poetry - PG - English - Drama - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 510 - Updated: 06-03-02 - Published: 06-03-02

Bitchcakes: Ah, thank goodness there's a venue for our serious young poets.

2002-05-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

Weiss Kreuz - The Compition by Kyri
Have you ever wondered what would happen if Ranners and Aya-chan were both after the same thing? Sparks are gonna fly!
PG - English - Romance/Humor - Review: 19 - Chapters: 4 - Words: 1585 - Updated: 05-27-02 - Published: 05-05-02

So I'm reading Weiss Kreuz fanfic again. I picked up what looked like it could be a cute and funny little "Aya-chan and Ran compete over Ken" fic. (I admit that I have a weakness for those.) I'm reading it and thinking, "Not great, but I wasn't expecting brilliance, either." Then I get to the pet-name Aya-chan has for her brother.

Ranny.

*screws up face* God, fic, what did I ever do to you? Why would you do that to me? Ranny? It's like "Kenny" only a thousand times worse! The Japanese do not do the cutey little "-ny" thing. That's American and says you probably know almost nothing about the culture your characters come from. If you wanna be cutesy in Japanese call him "Ran-chan" or, I dunno, "Ranko." ^_~

Let me quote a couple of passages:

"Why Ranny, getting jealous that he's starting to pay more attention to me?" she said with mock innocence, fluttering her mascara glittering eyelashes. Aya was gratified that her barb had struck a nerve, making her sibling sputter and falter at it. She knew that Ran had the biggest crush on the soccer player, just like her, however, this was one time she knew she would win. Her loosing was just not in the equation.

Ran stoically contemplated the blue haired girl that was his sister. It seemed to him that at least something's don't change, i.e. their competitiveness with each other. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, sure, the two siblings got along, but there were times when the clashing of wills could produce very visible sparks. He knew, as all older brothers know, that she thought that Ken Hidaka was very cute and the greatest thing since sliced bread, i.e. she had a major crush on the brown- eyed boy. Of course he felt the same way. The violet ice eyed leader of the shop was determined not to let his sister win. He swore that Ken would be his, by any means necessary.

There are so many things wrong with this, I'm not even sure where to start. Since you can probably pick them out yourself, I'm not going to waste my hatred on this. But does anyone want me to have a seizure? Because I could pitch a fit and have a seizure if someone wants me to.

(Yeah, yeah, I used up all my funny yesterday.)

2002-05-28T19:04:00.000-05:00

Browsing the Just In list at Fanfiction.net again.

A Sick Author In The MK Demension Doesn't Mix by zero
O.K. so sue me, i wrote this when I was sick. DON'T FLAME ME!! I hate flames, last time I got this really realy bad flame i didn't eat for a day in a half because it was so bad, it got me REALLY depresssed. So Please READ AND REVIEW!!
Megami Kouhosei - G - English - Humor/Humor - Review: 1 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1222 - Updated: 05-28-02 - Published: 05-28-02

"O.K. so sue me, this is another bad fic. DON'T WRITE BAD FIC! I hate bad fic, last time I read this really bad fic, I didn't eat or sleep for a week because it was so bad, it got me REALLY depressed! So please don't post these to FFNET anymore, O.K.?"

2002-05-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

FanFiction.Net
4. Zander's Fine Day Out by Spike jnr
Buffy eats and Zander ends up in jail after a very embarrassing day
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - NC-17 - English - Humor/Parody - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1432 - Updated: 05-20-02 - Published: 05-20-02

Xander changes the spelling of his name to conceal his appearance in this fic.

2002-05-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

Let me save everyone the trauma of reading the fic and summarize what Maria goes through for you:

WARNING: SPOILERS A-HOY! DON'T READ IF YOU WANT TO BE SURPRISED BY THE "SHOCKING" PLOT TWISTS!

"Being an amnesiac is hard. I don't know--hey, who's that?? I think I'll follow her! Drat, lost her. Oh, well, I'll just go back to my room and read the paper. Hey, a wedding announcement! Neat! *pause* Waaah! All my memories are coming back! What am I going to do? I love both my husbands! But surely something will work out! I'll go visit my previous husband now! WHAM! *dies*"

The. End.

2002-05-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

With the return of Maria (Eva LaRue Callahan) to All My Children imminent, this is the perfect time to share this little gem. It starts out a yawner, but trust me, it finishes strong.

Memories by Gyrlfriend

She's got crappy fanfics for all your favorite ABC soaps! But they're still better than anything Jill Farren Phelps tries to shove down our throats! Enjoy!

2002-05-20T08:05:00.000-05:00

Gee, isn't poetry neat? Here's a little poem by one Stancy McKatt called "He is the Batman..." Nice use of the ellipsis in the title there. Creates suspense. He is the Batman... ...And? And?! And this.

He is the Batman....

Hiding in the shadows,
Till the time is right.
Hiding in the shadows,
Till the time to join the fight,
for what's right.

Melting into the shadows.
Silent like the shadows,
he hides in.
The occasional shadow leaping from,
roof-top to roof-top.

A legend? No.
Though it may seem.
Foe, evil, and villain... beware.
Safe it may seem,
but beware because he's there.

A Shadow of the night,
doing what's right,
stopping a gang fight.
He's the Dark Knight...

He's the Batman....

Where to begin? The piece starts out with a comfortable ababc rhyme scheme, but then suddenly swerves into something like free-verse. This is obviously meant to reflect the controlled chaos of the Batman's nightly work, as well as his own fragmented psyche. Note also the visual appearance of the poem. Can it be a coincidence that if one turns one's gaze sideways, one is given an impression of the Gotham skyline? Then there is the significant reiteration of the word "shadows." Obviously, the poet is alluding to the work of Carl Jung.

In the third stanza, the concrete reality of the Batman is affirmed. He is not merely a mythical figure, a symbolic exercise in examining the shadow self. In a daring move, the poet risks alienating her audience by equating the reader with the addressed "foe, evil, and villain." This succeeds, however, because we all must struggle with our darker impulses. The Batman, then represents this struggle. We must be aware. We must "beware." Why? "Because he's there."

The final stanza boldy reasserts the Jungian association by capitalizing "Shadow". It then forcefully drives home its meter and rhyme like a series of punches. In the end, however, it coyly backs off from the certain and the concrete, using the ellipses to leave us with the sense of shrouded mystery. "He's the Batman..."

Indeed.

[URL]

2002-05-20T07:57:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things that annoy me about Fanfiction.net. But one of the major things is that so many of their decisions don't make any goddamned sense. *holds up hands* Okay, I can see why they got rid of the MST catagory. They probably had a lot of complaints about people abusing the section and whatnot.

But, you know, if you're going to delete an entirey catagory, why not a few others, too? If I ran Fanfiction.net, the Original Poetry section would be gone like that. The novels section would also be history. (It's Fanfiction.net, and anyone who goes there looking for original fic is someone I doubt I could ever understand.) The review system? Toast. Burnt toast. What do I have against Fanfiction.net reviews? Simple, they're completely and utterly useless.

I've seen bad karaoke fics get hundreds of "reviews" while brilliant epics are lucky to get seven comments total. Reviews are not a good way for the author to get feedback (occasionally they are, but most of the time, they're just sycophants giving the author's ego a blowjob) and they're not a good way for people to find the better fanfics. They encourage stupid and crappy writers to pander to their audiences in an immature contest to see who can get the most votes.

The negatives of the reviews section far outweights the positives and I'll bet ditching that section would free up a lot of resources for the servers.

Also? Alternate language sections would be gone. Guys, you have enough on your plates with the English-speaking community, don't stretch yourself too far. If you have the resources, make a seperate site for other languages all together. 99% of the fanfics are in English anyway, so I can't imagine that the site is doing all that much good.

I just don't understand some of the boneheaded moves the site has made. I admit that sometimes things I didn't like turned out to be good--the chaptering system actually works pretty well. It doesn't really deter retards from posting itty bitty chapters but it helps that I don't have to see eight gazillion parts in a row listed for one story. But I still hate that word count thing. Is a comma before the last three numbers really so hard to put in there? And why can't we sort by fic size? All you can sort the listings by are update/publishing date, rating, catagory, and language. Dammit, I want to be able to filter out those 200-word stories, because I refuse to read them.

And why do they need their own Instant Messaging service? Are AIM, IRC, ICQ, and MSN Messenger not enough? And you know it's going to be stable for about a month then totally flake out just like the rest of Fanfiction.net.

....bah. There. There's your anger and hatred, does that cheer you up, Bitchcakes? ;-)

(I feel justified in posting this here because Fanfiction.net is Evil and Stupid. But you already knew that.)

2002-05-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

I think I've used up the majority of my vitriol for the night. I just find it kind of sad in that way that makes me laugh out loud that she keeps using the name "Sarah" over and over and over in her fics.

But, hey, if it makes you feel better, I could read one of her Ronin Warriors fanfics and have a seizure and spaz all over this blog...?

2002-05-20T07:27:00.000-05:00

I hate this person. I just... hate her. That's all. It's not a very entertaining sort of hate. It's just that bone-weary, slightly itchy hate that makes me want to curl up with a good apocalypse; a nice cup of cocoa and the screams of the damned.

2002-05-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

This isn't evil, but it is pretty stupid. But not in an offensive way. In fact, it's pretty darn cute. Golly gee, is it just the cutest darn thing. I don't know if I've ever read anything cuter. In fact, it's the

Battle of the Cutest by Fuzziness
A tournament for the best, cutest Pokémon is being held at the National Park. All my favorite Pokémon are in this! ;)
Pokemon - G - English - Humor - Review: 0 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1009 - Updated: 05-04-02 - Published: 05-04-02

Boy, Pokemon are so freakin' cute I just want to hug them and squeeze them and make cute little Pokemon sounds until my head explodes from all the @!$#% cuteness. Char! Char! Plus, Pokemon make me think of Matt, and Matt is dreeeeeeamy. *sigh*

2002-04-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

My Sweet by Lady Lemon

I don't know if I should really put this one up here, because it wasn't really evil, and it was only mildly stupid. The major problem this fic had was that it wasn't written all that well. It wasn't bad (especially not to the point it was evil), but it wasn't good, either.

Positive points:
-Avoided the AyaxKen cliche and instead went for the rarer KenxAya cliche.

Negative points:
-Apparently, this is part of a "sitcom" universe where Aya and Ken have triplets. This was the night they were conceived. Being that Ken is on top, I assume Aya is the one getting pregnant...?

Not sure:
-Food cliches. With Aya now covered in cake batter from the shoulders down, Ken reached for a can of whipped cream. He made circles around Aya's erect penis, moving upward, until it was completely covered, and topping it with a marachino cherry. Chocolate cake mix, whipped cream, and a cherry? *laughs* All that's missing was a banana or a popsicle and we'd have had all the symoblic sex foods.

Stuff that made me laugh:
-"How rude of me", he chastized himself. "I didn't offer you any dessert." He took the can of whipped cream and decorated his member in the same way he had Aya's, and then shoved it into Aya's mouth. Aya savored the sweet creaminess, massaging with his gifted mouth.

"Ahuvoo", Aya mumbled.

You all can make your own decisions.

2002-04-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

"Uppity Dick" (where she gets her name will be apparent in a moment....) is a good friend, and has the talent to find the most retarded fiction on Fanfiction.net. I bow before it. *worships* She's the one that found that Facts of Life story. *shivers*

(Look! Pretty colors so you can tell who's saying what more easily!)

Uppity Dick: I *so* have additions for the Evil and Stupid blogsite. See, this is why I'll be running like crazy over the next couple of weeks trying to put together my Grand Rounds lecture...because I'm busy getting squicked over fics like "Super Kum" instead. Read and share the horror...

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=729109
Spacecrackers: ....oh, god. More bad Smallville fiction.
Spacecrackers: Bitchcakes just made me read a Lex/Chloe/Clark threesome.

Uppity Dick: Hee hee...I was reading your respective blogs right after I logged on today, and I caught that one too. Trust me, that reads like the Brothers Freakin' Karamazov compared to "Super Kum."
Uppity Dick: Interestingly, some of the better "Smallville" fics I'm finding lately seem to be Chloe/Lex.
Spacecrackers: It's not as much fun when it's supposed to be parody, but I gotta give points to any fic that has the line: ~A large one at that; his red-white poka dot boxers had split down the middle, fabric torn to make room for his large, uppity dick.~

*snort* "Uppity dick". That would make a *great* username.
Spacecrackers: ~Oddly enough, his mother had hidden the magazines in his father's closet, and a lot of the pages were stuck together.~

.....ewwwwwww.
Uppity Dick: LOL! *snerk* ROFL...oh god...I *have* to be "Uppity Dick" to your Spacecrackers and Bitchcakes. That's just too funny! *giggle*
Uppity Dick: It gets much better...erm, worse?...than John's sticky Playgirls.
Spacecrackers: I'm pretty sure Bitchcakes wouldn't mind if we added another person to the blog, if you wanted to join as "Uppity Dick"....
Spacecrackers: And it's not like there's any pressure to post. We barely do. *g*
Uppity Dick: So much for that threatening ol' Update Stick. ;-)
Spacecrackers: ..... *TWITCH*

Spacecrackers: I saw it *ahem* coming, and it still freaked me out.
Spacecrackers: All over his *mother*? Whose bathrobe is open? Okay, story, you just lost all the points you gained for "Uppity Dick".
Spacecrackers: That's just *wrong*. Parody or no parody. EW.
Uppity Dick: Yeah, this is one of these oddball stories that's parody, yet just badly written enough that you cringe for the wrong reasons, too ...
Spacecrackers: *laugh* You do have a talent for finding those.
Uppity Dick: That's true, I think it started with that "Facts of Life" parody. *G* Not to mention the "Boston Public in Atlanta" craptaculo-rama.
Spacecrackers: I bow down before your mighty talent to find the most retarded fics on FFNET. *bows*
Spacecrackers: Ewwww. Poor, poor Lana.

Spacecrackers: Okay, I am completely and totally squicked now.
Uppity Dick: I don't know, the HP Karaoke-fest was squickworthy in a whole 'nother way. I know - that second chapter was just gross, I didn't even find it very funny. Probably because I'm one of the few folks out there who actually *likes* Lana and Whitney as individual characters.
Spacecrackers: Yeah, I don't care for the Clark/Lana thing, but I like Lana herself. She didn't deserve that at all. Just... ew. What really freaks me out is that you get the feeling that the author gets off on degrading women and I find *that* to be sick.

Uppity Dick: I think so too. Even the way he described Martha as old and frumpy, and she's really not at all. I think "uppity dick" was the, erm, high point in all this.
Spacecrackers: I just get the image of Clark's dick talking back to him, mouthing off, being a smartass, and Clark looking down with a scowl, saying it's getting too "uppity".
Uppity Dick: *snort* LOL! "Now listen here, Little Clark...no one likes a dick with an attitude!"
Uppity Dick: ...oh dear...that could spawn a whole other parody....
Spacecrackers: *snort!* Or, hell, Lex saying that, and Clark being defensive, "He's just had a really bad day...."
Spacecrackers: Oh, that could be beautiful.

Uppity Dick: Hee...so now, of course, I'm picturing Clark's dick getting uppity and mouthing off, and Lex's dick getting all snarky and acting superior -- the trademark Luthor Smirking Dick. *G*
Uppity Dick: ...and one thing is said, and leads to another thing, and before you know it: COCK FIGHT in Smallville! *ducks and runs after the bad punning attack* Ouch, owie...
Spacecrackers: LOL! Luthor Smirking Dick(TM)!
Spacecrackers: *laughing wildly* Oh, that is a *beautiful* mental picture right there.
Uppity Dick: "Don't touch me, Victoria, I've just come from a cock fight and boy am I sore..."

"Pfft. Bloody stupid Yanks and their gaming habits..."

2002-04-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

From the Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction.net section:

Petals from Yesterday by Bluemermaid3280
Are they destined to repeat the tragic past?..* Chapter VI* is up.. this is mainly Yue and Sakura, however there are some SXS and TouyaxTomoyo
PG - English - Romance - Review: 25 - Chapters: 5 - Words: 14946 - Updated: 04-27-02 - Published: 03-30-02

(Note: I have not read this story. For all I know, it could be a literary masterpiece. .....I probably shouldn't be laughing as I type that, should I?)

Ew, ew, ew, ewwwwww! There is no end to how wrong that is! Okay, I can understand people wanting to write Yue/Sakura. It's a lot like Clow/Yue to me. One of the hugest CCS points in regards to Yue was that Sakura wanted to be his friend. Yeah, she was all 'hanyaan' over Yukito, but he quite clearly said he was in love with her brother. Sakura understood this, and while it made her sad, she knew Touya loved Yukito, too. She even told Yukito to tell her if Oniichan was ever mean, and she'd beat him up for Yukito! Then, of course, there's Syaoran. Sakura and Syaoran were also one of the major points of Card Captor Sakura.

I can see someone extrapolating Yue/Sakura in the far future (personally, I think by that time they'll have spent so long being friends that they couldn't ever be more, and would want to be more--but I can see how other people would see the pairing), but not in the here and now.

Okay, covered that. Yue/Sakura not my thing, but not icky, either. TouyaxTomoyo on the other hand.... NO. Just... no. One. Touya loves Yukito. Canon. To refute it is to stick your fingers in your ears and go, "LALALALA!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!" Two. Tomoyo and Touya? What planet is this person living on? I really, really, really hope at the very least it's not anywhere near the CCS timeline, as Tomoyo is eleven years old.

I really, really can never see Tomoyo caring about Touya in that way, because most of the affection she has for him is wrapped up in his similarities to Sakura. (Like how his ears remind her of Sakura's ears.) To her, he's an extention of Sakura, rather than wholly his own person. To start a relationship with him... eww. Even in the future, he'll always be that extention of Sakura to Tomoyo.

But, I suppose it could have been worse. There are those TouyaxMirror Card stories, after all. *TWITCH*

2002-04-24T23:20:00.000-05:00

This is a typical night for Bitchcakes and Spacecrackers mocking stupid fic:

Bitchcakes: Oh, dude. Dude. This is a prime candidate for Evil and Stupid, but I don't know if I can do it justice. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=721979

Spacecrackers: I'm guessing I really ought to know better than to click on this link.... ;-)

Scorpius and I were still having of sex; that primordial, lustful force that first brought us together still played an important part in our lives; though nowadays things took a little longer, he was a little slow to get started.

*scrunches up face* Well. My faith in humanity has been crushed again. I don't think God's listening anymore.

Bitchcakes: I like this story for it's old school, classic Trek style Mary Sue-ism.

Spacecrackers:

And on those occasions when it didn't, well, there was always the pleasures of cuddling, and kissing, and talking long and loving until the small hours of the morning.

Oh, bwhahahaha! Scorpius cuddling!

That is beautiful man. Dude, I hope there's a candlelit dinner and a marraige proposal somewhere in here!

And I wanna hear Scorpy sing "My Heart Will Go On"!!! Come on, it's perfect!

Bitchcakes: "Oo's Scorpy's widdle snugglebunny?"

Spacecrackers: When I first started reading this, I had no idea what it was, and because Farscape is so Crichton-centric, when I saw it was first person, I automatically assumed it was him talking. And now the images won't leave my brain.

Bitchcakes: Bwa ha!

...and oh, ewww.

Spacecrackers: C'mon, can't you just see Scorpius and John cuddling up, watching the sun rise, cooing sweet nothings at each other?

One holoimage was conspicuous by it's absence, Stark, our sometime sex-partner, my sometime friend.

..... *wide, horrified eyes* Bad images!! Bad images!! Get the bad images out of my head!!

Bitchcakes: Think of happy puppies! Prancing ponies! Fluffy ducklings!

Spacecrackers: *cries* Now the image in my head has changed to the happy puppies, prancing ponies, and fluffy ducklings are parading around the bed with John, Stark, and Scorpius doing the ickiest things.... *cries more*

There was my holoimage of John Crichton;

That does help, though.

He also managed to eat several pieces of fruit, for age has not diminished his healthy appetite.

There are at least two dirty jokes in there. I'm not looking for them.

Bitchcakes: It's nice to read bad fics that are bad purely in content once in a while. Stuff by retarded teenagers gets old after a while.

I love the notes at the end.

Spacecrackers:

The I of the story is a projection of myself (idealised of course) into the Farscape universe.

*LOL* It's the "idealised of course" that gets me.

Bitchcakes: I love that. No? Really? I never would have known.

Spacecrackers: I love the tone it conveyed. Like this was a great achievement on her part.

Bitchcakes: I'm thinking a visit to her website is in order.

Oh, god, you need to register to get to her Scorpius porn. What a self important I-just-got-the-impulse-to-say-a-rather-nasty-word.

Spacecrackers: *clicks onto website* .....wtf? Register to get her Scorpius porn? That's so.... Wow.

Bitchcakes: Okay, I'll admit it. The word I wanted to say was "twat." That's so not me, but there it is.

Spacecrackers: It's a good word. It fits.

Bitchcakes: Yes, i rather think it does.

< http://scorpius.150m.com/master/about.html > Gimme a great big eye-rolling "Oh, puh-leeze."

Spacecrackers: Understand that a devotee may be banished at any time by the Master's whim without explanation or recourse.

....bite me.

5. If you are unwilling to play by the Master's rules, you will be banished from the Inner
Sanctum.
6. The Rules:
A. Don't forget I'm not Him.

Wait, wait, WAIT! Hold on a minute here! You mean it's not the REAL Scorpius? What a gyp! I thought it was really Scorpius who was going to be writing nasty fics about himself and some Mary Sue!

G. Always keep in mind that what takes place in the realm of fantasy does not carry over into *real* life.

Wait, so when I'm writing about having sex with a weird alien, you're saying it's NOT going to carry over into the real world?

7. To petition the Master for Admittance, you must Email Scorpius and affirm you are over 21 years of age and are not currently serving a life sentence for psychopathic crimes.

....this is a Scorpius-based group, right? Irony is funny.

Bitchcakes: They only like fictional psychopathic crimes.

Spacecrackers: That's not very nice. Real psychopaths need bad porn fic, too, you know.

Bitchcakes: Probably more than anyone.

2002-04-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

I think if I believed in God, it would be for things like this. He's just trying to protect the poor innocent little minds out there by smiting the wicked fic and removing its evilness from existence.

Or, you know, Fanfiction.net is acting funky. Again.

2002-04-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

Since the link below isn't working (I checked the code, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong - I can only assume the author has removed the story due to death threats) I suppose I should explain. It was a Gilmore Girls story. I only got as far as Luke noticing Rory's "small but pert" breasts before I ran screaming to the purification chamber.

2002-04-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

::SHRIEK!:: MY EYES!! MY EYES!! ::claws at own face:: Gyaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

2002-04-15T00:40:00.000-05:00

To paraphrase Camus, "There is no fic that cannot be surmounted by scorn."

2002-04-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who loves to inflict bad karaoke fic on me. And like the moron that I am, I keep reading them. ;)

This time it's a 22-part Harry Potter karaoke fic cleverly entitled "The Marauder Singing Contest".

Let me repeat that.

Twenty-two chapters of Harry Potter karaoke fic.

You may be wondering why I read all 22 chapters (And I did! Every last one of them!) when the fanfic is so very clearly retarded. I refused to let the story beat me. If I gave up, I was saying that this bad karaoke fic was stronger than me, and I couldn't let that happen!

Some snippets from this masterpiece....

"And next up we have...oh dear." Dumbledore mumbled. "The Kings of Karaoke, The Marauders, singing Friends In Low Places." (Come on, you knew I’d put a Garth Brooks song in here somewhere.)

“God help us.“ Lily mumbled.

Spacecrackers: *cowering in terror* Judging by the rest of the fic, I think God's dead....

The best chapter, by far, was chapter 15, the Backstreet Boys' "Backstreet's Back".

Female population begins yelling again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a party with Sirius?

Spacecrackers: Hmm, I get the feeling the author might kind of like Sirius. Just a gut feeling.

Chapter 18 - "Who Let the Dogs Out" was a keeper as well.

“Kind of appropriate though.” James commented. “Considering Sirius’ Animagus form, and Remus’ lycanthropy.”

Spacecrackers: Oh, gosh, gee, you think so?? Really?

I know I was getting snippy at this point, but this was the eighteenth chapter. The fanfic was tap-dancing on my last nerve. And, finally, we have the awards ceremony, in which Sirius placed in all three of the top slots. Wow, gosh, who would have expected that!? I mean, I never saw it coming!

*looking over the 'review'*

....dude, I never said this mocking was going to be funny. But I feel better. That's all I care about.

2002-04-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

The second bit requires more explaining, too. But this time we actually mock bad fanfic!

I was talking to a friend one night and we got onto the subject of seaQuest and how much we loved the show. So I had to go look for a fic that DIDN'T suck. While I was looking I was also talking to Bitchcakes and we were talking about some of the really icky seaQuest fanfic out there, and it went like this:

(I was browsing FFNET looking for that one good seaQuest fic, so I could rest assured at least ONE existed.)

Don't Touch #48 by KaitlynRose

Once Owned, Always Owned by Righ Saunders

The story was beautiful, too. Lucas was this weepy little submissive, letting some random (male) officer on the ship push him into bed and have his way with him. But apparently, Darwin doesn't take well to this--Lucas is HIS.

Determinedly, he removed his outer clothing. He stepped forwards again.

"No cloth-es."

He removed his shorts, his penis hardening with the remembrance of yesterday. He slipped into the water, looking for signs of emotions from Darwin.

He gasped as the water touched him again, and he rose to his full length. Maybe he wants to do it again? He clenched his teeth at the images flooding his brain, what he wanted to do with the dolphin.

"Yo-uu we-re with Jac-ques."

The bump against his turgid flesh was not gentle. Sharp teeth clamped upon him.

"Yo-uu be-long Dar-win."

They closed quickly.

Lucas screamed.

***

Dr. Westphalen looked him over, the pain Lucas was in visible for all to see.

"How did this happen?"

Lucas grimaced as she stitched him, not seeing or feeling the needle, but knowing it was there.

"I had a small accident," he hedged.

A disbelieving snort was his answer. "These look like teeth marks!" she said. "This wasn't an accident."

"Darwin ... well ... it was an accident," he ended feebly, untruthfully, unwilling to tell how it really happened.

"You're lucky you still have ... it," she euphemised. "Any deeper ... well. It's going to heal fine."

Lucas let himself sigh. I'm not going to even

at Jacques from now on, he promised himself. Never again.

End.

Okay, so later Bitchcake's reading bad Profiler fic.

"He knew it wasn't right and he felt bad about it but in his mind, as he couldn't help being in love with somebody who was hundreds of miles away and that didn't love him in return, -mainly because she didn't know a word about his feelings-, he needed to fulfill his man necessities."

John smiled briefly at Bailey's joke, but noticed that Sam was still shocked by his apparition and wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"The guy, Sabieski, don't know if you have heard about him."

"Who haven't!?" Bailey chuckled.

"He had a meeting with another gang and we received the information of the place today so we went there, waiting for ages, under the rain until he appeared. When he tried to escape he used the fire stairs and I followed him and in our way down, I stopped him but in the fall, my arm got under his body and I hit the stairs with my face too."

"The whole area of Penobscot Bay, in Maine, is a beautiful place. I needed a place like this to forget about everything. I love the sea, the quiet the life is there, Chloe can be around without me being hysteric," Sam confessed laughing, "and I've even learned how to make jam!"

The whole way to his apartment, he was in and out of sleep, but he was sure Sam had run her hand through the cuts on the right side of his face, at least twice.

2002-04-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, the following conversation between Bitchcakes and myself requires a bit of set-up. I was looking at Harry Potter fanart, mentioned the link, and one of them had a Sirius/Harry pic in it (nothing too bad, but it was definitely THAT kind of picture), and Bitchcakes saw it and showed it to a friend, who freaked over it.

We had also previously been talking about various subtitles for the 'Evil and Stupid' site. Like:
'We Hate You' / 'Needle Sharp Kitten Teeth of Viciousness' / 'Great fic... for me to poop on!' / 'Aaahh! The burning! THE BURNING!' / 'I'll Never Be Clean Again... My Soul Needs a Shower' / "If This Is Wrong, Why Does It Feel So Right?" / 'Rhymes with Ick' / 'Craptacular!' / 'WTF was THAT!?' / 'Mommy, why does God hate me?' / 'Foul spawn of the Dark Land' / etc.

Bitchcakes: Heh heh. I just terrified one of my friends with one of those SiriusxHarry pics. I'm evil.
Spacecrackers: It really is an ungodly amount of fun doing that, isn't it?
Spacecrackers: It's like we never burned ants with magnifying glasses on hot summer days as kids, so we do this instead. ;-)
Bitchcakes: Heh. We prefer the subtleties of psychological torture to brute physical force.
Spacecrackers: Subtle psychological torture is so much more fun and rewarding. It's so much more painful. You get what? Maybe thirty seconds of fun if you fry an ant?
Bitchcakes: It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Spacecrackers: With psychological torture, you reap a lifetime of rewards.
Spacecrackers: And there's another good subtitle: "Subtle psychological torture: It's the gift that keeps on giving."

2002-04-05T04:43:00.000-06:00

I love stories that ask "What if?" The answer is almost invariably "Who gives a shit?"

2002-04-05T02:30:00.000-06:00

*sigh* You know how there are times when you know you shouldn't do something? It's stupid and pointless and a waste of time, and you're getting worked up over something you shouldn't? That you should just relax and let it go?

Well, this is one of those times.

And apparently I'm not going to do what I should.

So, this fic (Time Paradox by kia) is retarded. I'm shocked. A retarded Dragonball Z story on Fanfiction.net? Surely, this has never happened before! Let me nibble around the edges of the fic and I'll feel better. I'm not actually going to tear it to pieces, because it's not long enough for that, nor am I that pathetic.

The story askes the premise, "What if it had been Bra who went back in time to save the others instead of Trunks? What if she'd fallen in love with her father?" ("What if Spacecrackers had not clicked on this story? What if she got those five minutes of her life back?")

First of all... ewwwwwwww. Ew, ew, ew, ew, EWWW. I'm sure there's a Chibi-Usa joke in there somewhere.

Next, a little snippet from the story:

She was dressed in loose black gi bottoms, a black tank top and a cropped Capsule Corps jacket. Despite the admiring looks from the other male fighters, especially Yamcha, she ignored them and kept looking in his direction. She looked very familiar somehow...her face...

Riiiiight. Because all the Z warriors are stupid enough to not notice Bra looks exactly like her mother. Just get a 'she looked very familiar somehow' feeling. Sure.

And then Bra decides to stay, because it's not like there's anything waiting for her back in her own timeline. Just a bitter old mom, and, heck, she's got a young, happy, cheerful mom here! Screw Bitter!Old!Bulma. Decision made, she heads off to Capsule Corp. probably to check out dear old Dad's ass.

Dare I hope for more of this story?

2002-04-05T02:18:00.000-06:00

testing the bloggy thingy

2002-04-01T00:54:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, there is nothing quite like bad yaoi/slash fic for retarded quotes. From a Weiss Kreuz yaoi fic entitled, "Save It for a Sunday", in which Aya has been diagonsed with an incurable disease (his recovery chances are 90% and the Weiss boys are refusing to let the doctors give him certain medications because Yohji has suddenly become a medical expert), and Ken (his boyfriend) takes him home and they spend the next couple of weeks getting all snuggly.

During the third week of Aya's chemotherapy, Ken began making a habit of picking up special things for Aya. His birthday would be coming up within two weeks, so Ken decided to spoil him early. Little things here, little things there, and the spare money from paychecks after paying for Aya's hosptial bills seemed to slowly dissapear. But Ken didn't mind. He looked at it as an investment. An investment of love.

'An investment of love'. Ahh, young, retarded love. So sweet.

And Aya's favorite manga is 'Kizuna'! Aya? Favorite manga? A boys' love manga? Kizuna? Excuse me while I go be a bitch and laugh myself stupid.

Soon Aya is in remission, and Ken decides to get him a gift....

Aya smiled and gently tugged at the ribbon, opening the small box as the ribbon fell away. His eyes widened and he gasped, a small smile played his lips as he pulled out a small silver cross on a delicate chain. The cross was an important symbol for the four boys.. it stood for justice.. as they were the white hunters of the light, to destroy the darkness-- the white hunters of Weiss. "Oh Ken!" He whispered, absolutely in awe by the beautiful cross.

Ken smiled broadly, clasping the necklace around Aya's neck. "The person I bought it from assured me it wouldn't break. I knew you'd like it." Gently brushing Aya's hair from his face, he smiled and kissed the redhead's forehead.

Aya hugged him tightly. "Oh Ken! Aishiteru yo!"

Ken smiled, hugging the redhead. "Aishiteru. I can't wait until you can leave your room, we'll have so much fun, just you and I, okay?"

Aya nodded, gently fingering the tiny necklace. "Yes!" Snuggling down against Ken, he closed his eyes, breathing softly. It felt so nice to be in Ken's arms again. He felt so warm. At last he could live up to his promise, to be with Ken forever. It was a promise he never wanted to let go.

Damn. All that's missing is a marriage proposal and a candlelit dinner.

I wanted to give points for the unhappy ending (Aya died, apparently, because he was taken off the medication too quickly), but I really couldn't. It felt tacked on and manipulative rather than because that's where the story wanted to go.

Still. 'An investment of love.'!

2002-04-01T00:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not even going to mention what this story was about. You just have to read it for yourself and seeeeeeeee! Let's just say it's a fitting first post here on 'Evil and Stupid'.